Suckiest Mission Evarrr
by Sandataba
Summary: Neji. Tenten. Undercover. In a high school. With vampires. And zombies. And pirates. And Kakashi. Kakatenji. Or Nejitenshi. Or Tenten just watching the two of them- no. Maybe. Droubble drabble series.
1. Droubble

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Disclaimer:

'Cuz Ev-ry-Thing is ReNt!

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_**1. Droubble**_

_'I GOTTA get outta here. __It's like being tied to the hood of a yellow rental truck __packed full of fertilizer and fuel oil __pushed over a cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse. __Ohhhh...'_

Kakashi eased into the dorm room, the squeak of the door hinge well-concealed by the tortured echoes of Tenten's chanting "_Gottagottagottagotta_" from the bathroom.

He cast a look about, sensed where Tenten _really _was, and turned around. She sat behind the door, watching him as she sharpened a kunai.

"You know, having a bunshin take a bath for you won't make you any cleaner when you dispel it."

"I've found having her do vocal exercises in the shower actually does help my own singing voice, though," Tenten shrugged as the clone hit a high 'C' with a '_leeeeap of faith...'_

"Also," she gave him a pointed look, "making people think you're in the shower keeps them from barging in, trying to be chummy." He sheepishly scratched the back of his neck.

"I can't constantly be in the shower, Tenten-chan. The girls just won't stop bothering me at my dorm. Can I stay here for a while?"

She sighed, "Just don't get me expelled."

_TBC_

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_A/N: The plot is, admittedly, thinner than air. What a liberating feeling it gives me. _

_I have succumbed to the dreaded high school fic. And I started it with a song. Having hit rock bottom, the only way out is up, right?_

Lyrics: _Over the Moon _from _Rent_


	2. Drabble

**_D: _**I suck at disclaimers. They are tasty and remind me of Stork menthol candy.

* * *

**_2. Drabble_**

As he stood in front of the dorm room he shared with Tenten, Neji thought of doing something he had never done before. But Gai did it, Lee did it, even Tenten did it. That certainly did not mean that _he _had to do it, but she was sitting _right behind_ the door, he knew that without having to use his Byakugan. And this mission was all her fault.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

Tenten was not behind the door. She was on his bed, grinning at his discomfiture.

"Yo," Kakashi was on HER bed, reading porn. "I knew they'd break you eventually."


	3. Intro Finally

_**D: **__I am writing this story mainly to give vent to my need to spout witty disclaimers._

* * *

**_3. Intro. Finally._**

"Girls have been disappearing from Hoity-Toity Junior High. The school is frantic. They've hired us to track down the missing girls."

Tsunade looked at Team Gai. "Lee, Gai. You're dismissed."

"But HOKAGE-SAMA-"

"You would not blend in a high school." Unspoken was the thought, _'You hardly even blend in Konoha. Your outfits clash with everything._'

"But our YOUTHFUL VIGOR-"

"Is far too vigorous for this mission. My decision is final."

"Just me and Neji?" Tenten flubbered. "Isn't a four-man team standard?"

"I'll assign you a jounin who will more than make up for the odd number." Tsunade said. "Hatake Kakashi."

"My eternal rival!" Gai's teeth gleamed, "I see you have entrusted my young students with the very best, Hokage-sama!"

"I've obtained fake identities for you, and the school has arranged for Neji and Tenten to be able to share a dorm room."

Looking askance at his team mate, Neji asked,"Are we supposed to be siblings?" She would have to wear white contact lenses, then.

"You, Neji, are supposed to be the next victim. Tenten will be your bodyguard."

"But," Lee piped up, "I thought you said only girls have been disappearing, Hokage-sama."

Tsunade smirked. "Yes, I did."


	4. Drabble2

_**D:** I own... the kitchen sink!_

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**_4. Drabble _**

"Aren't you glad you no longer believe in that whole 'fate' drivel?" Tenten fluffed her team mate's hair with no little satisfaction, "Otherwise you'd have to find a way to justify how it was your destiny to dress up as a girl and- ow! Ow! That's not a very gentle fist, Neji!"

"I am not Neji. I am..." Neji's mouth twisted in disgust, "Nadia."

"Falsetto, darling. And flutter your eyelashes, like so," she continued to jeer, although tears were forming from the pain.

The Hyuuga spitefully threw himself into the role of "_Biatch_", giving the kunoichi's bangs another hard yank.


	5. Love letters

_**D: **I officially disown Naruto. He may no longer inherit from me._

* * *

**_5. Love Letters_**

Third day of class, and still no sign of the Copy Nin. Tenten tossed a tiny wad of paper at the long-haired student in front of her. He tossed a paper simultaneously backwards, so their paths crossed.

_Byakugan. Why are you even bothering with notes? _his note said. _And no, I can't find him anywhere either._

Tenten's eyes bore into the back of Neji's head. Very clearly, she began to mouth her message, knowing that he was now reading her lips.

_-It- -wasn't- -a- -note-_

The crumpled-up exploding tag burst into flames on Neji's desk, causing general chaos and confusion.


	6. Late as usual

**_D: _**_In an ideal Marxist society, everyone would own Naruto._

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**_6. Late as usual_**

"You didn't have to throw an explosive tag at me!" Neji hissed, taking the lead once they'd turned the corridor. Instead of the idyllic picture initially presented of a ninja bodyguard solicitously ushering a distraught student towards the school clinic, the scenario now appeared to be that of a very male, very pissed, cross-dressing Hyuuga dragging his team mate down the hall.

"We weren't getting anywhere going to classes like mindless zombies," Tenten argued, "And you've been taking one for the team since the start of this mission, so I thought you wouldn't mind another hit."

Neji stopped short, and faced her, a dangerous glint in his sunglasses, "We _will_ still be sparring partners after this mission, you know."

"I'm sorry," Tenten was contrite. "Would you like me to braid your hair, Nadia-sama?"

He chased her all the way to the nurse's office.

They stopped short at the clinic door, nearly colliding with—

"Yo."

The boy was their age, with pale hair, an eyepatch, and a Baby Pakkun ® anti-flu face mask. He squinted at them in a friendly way.

"Hottie!" Tenten squealed.

Neji looked unimpressed. "I thought you'd still be a teacher."

"I thought you'd still be a guy."


	7. Plothicken

**_D: _**_I will own Naruto the day Gai beats Kakashi at rock-scissors-paper-lizard-Spock._

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**_7. Plothicken (it's like chicken, with plot)_**

Don't go in there just yet." Finger to his lips, Kakashi drew them away from the school clinic, towards the stairwell at the opposite end of the hall.

Voice low, he said, "I just handed in my physical exam results for their student medical records. From the looks of it, the nurse is a likely suspect in the disappearances."

"How do you know?" Neji asked.

Tenten was still too busy ogling the teenage version of Kakashi. She switched her gaze between the two boys, looking torn. They both gave her a weary look. She smiled helplessly.

"Kabuto's their school medic."


	8. Droubble2

_**D: **It's not plagiarism, it's a glorious tribute. Without citing the source._

* * *

**_8. Droubble2_**

"Hi, Takeshi here," Kakashi stood, relaxed, introducing himself to the class, "I'm a very important guy. I've got a castle. A wonderful castle it was-"

"Thank you for that BRIEF introduction," the teacher said sharply as murmurs started up at once, "You may sit down, Takeshi. We have a lesson to finish."

Kakashi slid into the seat next to Tenten's with ease. "And you are?" he asked blithely.

"Tintin." Tenten stared straight ahead, noting Neji's rigid shoulders. Her own back was ramrod straight, stiff with the effort not to burst into laughter.

Kakashi nodded, "Tonton was taken, then? And Tantan and Tuntun just don't quite roll off the tongue..."

A chalkboard eraser hit him squarely in the forehead, causing Kakashi to topple over.

"No talking during class, except when called for!" The class erupted into giggles as Kakashi righted himself with an injured expression.

"You're from the Land of Fire, right?" Kakashi continued in a whisper, while looking innocently at the glaring teacher, who could not tell if his lips were moving behind the mask. "Konichiwa."

Neji turned in his seat to glare at the new student, "Leave us alone."

Kakashi blinked. "Is that any way to talk to your fiancé?"

* * *

_A/N: My homage to 3 different anime, aside from Naruto, 1 cartoon, a Jim Henson movie, and an old Japanese game show in just 200 words._

_Sub-A/N: 'Homage' being a shorthand term for 'utter lack of original ideas' in this case._


	9. Kakashi the ham

_**D:** I shall plead the Chewbacca defense to all my crimes against the owners of Naruto._

* * *

**9. Kakashi the ham**

Tenten mused that, in a battle of looks, she really couldn't decide. In a battle of charm, though, Kakashi was a hands-down winner.

"I lost my eye in an epic encounter with a lovebird," he was currently enthralling a group of female students with the harrowing tale of the origins of his eyepatch. "She was such a tiny creature, but fierce and territorial. I did nothing to protect myself, for fear of hurting such innocence."

The collective sighs at such gallantry nearly caused Tenten to flee the room so she could laugh hysterically somewhere out of earshot, but she had to stay in character for the mission, and guard Nadia, no matter what.

"It wasn't too large a sacrifice, for I know my dear Nadia is beyond the superficiality of judging persons by their appearance," Kakashi cast a fond look at Neji, who was doing a creditable impression of a fly preserved in dried amber. He didn't move, talk, or give any outward sign of life as he sat emotionlessly throughout Kakashi's narrative.

"Please," Tenten cut in, "save your fake stories for less discerning audiences, it is insulting to Nadia-sama. Why don't you tell them what really happened, you—"

* * *

_A/N: In my efforts to keep this droubble at exactly 200 words, I broke Tenten off mid-sentence. That's just not right. Oh well. _

_To all my avid reader. Readers. I now have more than 1! [Crimson, Lei (), K&K, you are the best. The rest of you, once you review, you will also be the best. That way, no one is average. Like Tenten. She is the best. You see why I don't write overlong chapters, the logic tends to break down somewhere.] _

_Anyway, dear readers. The bad news is, I'm slowing down to weekly, instead of daily, updates. The good news is, there will be less for you to read. You know what, I don't understand myself either. I am the best._


	10. Neji the sacrificial lamb

**_D:_ **_I invited Kishimoto for tea the other day. Then I shrunk him, plunked him in a teapot, cut out a little dress for him, and now use him to accessorize my hat. He's being stubborn, but just a little longer, and the rights to Naruto will soon be mine._

* * *

_**10. Neji the sacrificial lamb**_

"Tintin," Neji's voice was a perfect mimic of Hinata's, "Do not speak out of turn."

_'Your punishment will be slow and excruciating,' _his posture screamed.

Tenten went for it. If Lee could endure any hardship to be a competent ninja, she would risk life and limb to finally have her team mate at her mercy, without his absolute defense, "But Nadia-sama, he's nothing more than a two-bit pirate who forced your family's hand."

"My father never asked directly for the match," Kakashi said in a mild tone, catching on immediately, "He merely asked for what her family held most precious."

* * *

_A/N: Hey. The reviews I'm getting for this story are even shorter, pithier, and funnier than the chapters themselves. I like that. Yosh! A challenge! _


	11. Blah blah blah

_**D:** Did I say you would have less to read? I disclaim that!_

* * *

**_11. Blah blah blah_**

They spoke no more of it, ensuring that they would be the center of gossip for a long while. Now, all they had to do was wait.

Rumors flew, growing with each embellished version. It became known that Nadia was not just a daughter to a wealthy family, but one with a ninja heritage, and a special bloodline ability. The bloodlimit manifested rarely, thus the family did not belong to any Hidden Village , opting instead to lead a thriving civilian business. When Nadia was born, she displayed the strongest potential ever of wielding a fully-realized kekkei genkai. Then, she was abducted by criminals who sought to discover the secret behind the specialized family trait.

Takeshi's father, a wandering rounin, saved her, but not before she had taken preemptive measures by slashing her own eyes to prevent the criminals from operating on her. Ruined as a ninja, and only able to see with specialized eyeshades, she was quietly raised to lead a civilian life, with her loyal bodyguard always by her side.

She was the perfect bait. All the other girls who had gone missing were from ninja families, and, like her, had dropped out of the Academy for various reasons.


	12. Think of it as cosplay

_**D: **This story jumps through different time frames, because ninjas move so fast._

* * *

**_12. Think of it as cosplay _**

**_(Or how Tenten got Neji to accept the mission, Part 1)_**

Neji knelt before Hinata, expression beseeching.

"N-neji nii-san, I cannot..."

"I can!" Hanabi gleefully began to form the hand signs to activate the curse seal.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

It did not appear to be the most well-thought out plan, bursting in on three Kaiten users. Lee was flung thrice the normal distance away. His noble effort, however, allowed Tenten to utilize the split-second interim after the trio's initial defensive spin to swoop in and bop Neji and Hanabi on the nose.

"Ow!"

"Ngow!"

"Neji," Tenten invaded his personal space, nearly bumping his forehead, "Be a man!"

"I'm trying."

"By deliberately injuring yourself in order to render you unfit for the mission?"

He glowered. "I am not _fit_ for this mission, to begin with."

She dragged him off, brusquely excusing herself and Neji from the two Hyuuga girls.

"I hate her," Hanabi rubbed her nose. Hinata hid a smile.

* * *

Neji sulked in the special clearing he and Tenten escaped to every so often when seeking refuge from the force of nature that was Gai-sensei. Tenten clasped her hands together and invoked the jutsu.

"Cute," Neji appraised his carbon copy.

"Tch." Tenten tossed her hair and placed one hand on her hip. "Observe."


	13. Be gay or be with Gai

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_**D: **I disclaim nothing!_

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_**13. Be gay or be with Gai**_

_**(Or how Tenten got Neji to accept the mission, Part 2)**_

Watching Tenten in a henge of him, Neji grudgingly admitted he was, at this stage, disturbingly androgynous. Tall and slender, he was leaner than Lee and had few visible scars despite their intense training and many life-threatening missions. His face had not shed the softness of youth and had yet to develop the hard planes and angles which marked his father's and uncle's features.

Tenten first mimicked his normal way of walking, a feline, graceful stride that hinted at hidden power and deadly restraint. Then she spun on her heel, and he recognized her natural walk, quick and light, somehow unmistakably female. It made all the difference, despite no change in her appearance. At fifteen, he had looks that could swing both ways. It rested solely on how he carried himself.

"A girl's uniform, make-up to cover your forehead, and you're practically a runway model," Tenten emphasized her point by jutting out one hip, Gai-style. Neji cringed at the sight.

"Oh, and if you bail on our mission, Tsunade has a separate one lined up for Gai and Lee at River Country, escorting a curry spice supplier. They specifically wanted you if you were free."

The threat sealed the deal.


	14. Valentine's

**_14. Valentine's_**

Neji and Tenten couldn't know it, but when he was their age, Kakashi had been nothing like his affected persona. However, he had learned over the course of years not to take himself so seriously.

Another possible factor was Asuma's recent comment that he was starting to get wrinkly. Now, he leapt at the opportunity at a second childhood (without the senility usually attendant), playing Takeshi with relish.

"Good job," he sidled up to Tenten, "I couldn't have spread Nadia's story better myself."

"I had to think of something," she said crossly, fingers flying as she re-braided Neji's hair, "Not a word from you, no scroll, no pre-mission huddle, nothing! What kind of team leader are you?"

"I was delayed on another mission," he said by way of apology, "I knew you could wing it." He dropped a piece of chocolate in front of each of them. "My penance."

Neji fingered the sweet suspiciously. "Where did you get this?"

"Not poisoned, don't worry. A lot of girls left goodies and sweets on my desk today. Aren't they nice?" his eye creased, "Must be some sort of welcome-to-school tradition."

Neji and Tenten exchanged a look. Nobody had given _them_ welcome chocolates.


	15. Tenten the Meanie

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_**D:** I liberally interpret the meaning of 'weekly' updates, just as I liberally interpret the doctrine of 'fair use' for Naruto's copyright._

* * *

**_15. Tenten the Meanie_**

Naturally, Kakashi's mask was a source of fascination in Hoity Toity Junior High School , as it was in Konoha.

"I'm allergic," he explained repeatedly when asked why he wore it. "To everything."

Tenten told a different story when approached by those who believed her to be 'in the know.' She told a different story, every time.

.

"He's got halitosis," she said.

"He's really, really ugly," she explained, "He gets lynched when he takes it off. For being so ugly."

"He has musical Tourette's, and bursts uncontrollably into bawdy sailor songs without the impediment," she said.

"He doesn't have a conventional mouth," she nodded sagely, "more like a whale's. The mask helps him filter zooplanktons when he eats."

"It seals off an eternal void of chaos within."

"Actually, he's a semi-sentient Shoggoth, and his mouth is the only part that gives away his alien nature, being a gelatinous mass extruding golden tentacles."

.

"Tin-chan," Kakashi said, "Aren't you being a little mean to me, _again_?"

She laughed, poking at his lip through the mask. "Are you really pouting? I guess we'll never know."

They did find out, though, that Takeshi had teeth, after Tintin quickly pulled away, narrowly escaping a finger amputation.


	16. Droubble3

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_**D:** I own Kishimoto. Ergo..._

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_**16. Droubble 3**_

It was not uncommon for the richer students of the school to have their own private physicians, so the school arranged for Nadia, Tintin and Takeshi to be likewise exempt from reporting to the clinic for the annual check up. Kakashi wanted them to steer clear until they had a better idea of what they were up against. It would do no good to freak Kabuto into flight, when they still hadn't found the missing girls.

It was fortunate Kabuto had been distracted by another student at the time Kakashi submitted his fake medical record. Kakashi's henge was quite thorough, but they couldn't take risks.

"How can you maintain it for so long?" for once, Tenten was genuinely concerned at the toll it was taking on the jounin's chakra.

"It's the Hokage's own special jutsu for retaining her youthful appearance," Kakashi said. "The way it stores up of chakra comes in pretty handy too on other missions when I deplete too much from using the Sharingan."

He quirked an eyebrow, "We're protected by a silencing jutsu in this room right?

That's standard for our team," Neji nodded as he scanned Kakashi's chakra pathways with interest. "Even when not on missions."

* * *

_A/N: Tsunade is secretly a member of Team Gai, what with her obsession with youth._


	17. In it for the long haul

_**D:** Kishimoto is a super-advanced robot created to churn out wildly popular manga series. There is no law granting robot rights to ownership yet, so he cannot own Naruto!_

* * *

**_17. In it for the long haul_**

_'This mission sucks_.'

It was past midnight. Neji panted harshly on the floor beside Kakashi, both heavily drained of their chakra. Even with the combined use of Byakugan and Sharingan, they'd nearly been caught by the deadly trap laid across the clinic entrance, no doubt an exotic forbidden jutsu resulting from Orochimaru's sinister research and experimentations. Even Kakashi had never seen the like of it.

"Neji," Tenten whispered, helping to push him up to a sitting position and channeling some of her chakra into him. Stationed to keep watch, she had been well out of range from the trap's effects, and was pretty much the strongest of the three at the moment.

With difficulty, he activated his Byakugan.

"It's like a scorpion's nest of chakra traps and seals, they're overlaid and interlaced so thickly it will take weeks to figure out how to disarm them," he finally concluded. "Whatever's in that clinic, it's well-guarded."

"Weeks," Kakashi murmured. He was still lying flat on the floor, his henge fluctuating faintly. "Well, in the meantime, the fair's coming up. And the school field trip. And the prom. Looks like we're getting the full high school experience."

His two team mates groaned softly.


	18. How does Naruto do it!

_**D: **_____

Any infringement must have been committed by my other evil twin.

17 July 2010

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_**18. How does Naruto do it?**_

It was nigh Pavlovian, how Tenten ardently awaited the sound of the bell signaling the end of yet another day. She was almost at the end of her tether, chakra-wise.

She fielded her two Takeshi and Nadia clones to flank her protectively, and made her way down the hallway without speaking to anyone. Outside the school building, she had Takeshi run off towards the boys' dorms, while she and Nadia walked to their own quarters.

"Oh Nadia, a word please," a teacher called. Teachers loved Nadia, so dignified and strong in the face of her tragic past.

Tenten broke into a cold sweat.

* * *

Kakashi was just about to sneak out of the room when Tenten fell through the door, releasing the bunshin with a gasp of relief.

"Whoa." He helped her to her bed, newly-made after he'd spent most of the day in it recovering from last night.

Neji was still dead to the world, having taken the brunt of the trap's draining effects. It seemed especially geared towards natural doujutsu users and had passed over Kakashi after he deactivated the Sharingan. Kakashi was still exhausted, but he could move.

"Calculus, huh?" he asked in sympathy.

Tenten glared at him

* * *

_A/N: Before Naruto, I never knew a cursed Seal was so powerful. Damn you, Seal! I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave..._


	19. Little Starling

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_**D:** So the king tells us, "To settle once and for all the ownership of Naruto, just cut him in two and pick a half." So we did, and out came the Kyuubi, and the last thing I heard was "oh fuuu..."_

22 July 2010

* * *

_**19. Little Starling**_

"The nurse's office called all the teachers to ask if anyone was 'sick' today," Tenten reported.

"It's good we were all 'present' for class, then." Kakashi contemplated Tenten as she rolled her stockings down with a sigh of relief and wiggled her now-freed toes on the rug, "Are they really that uncomfortable?"

"They cause ingrown hair, and on hot days it gets really icky with closed shoes," she answered, "I've got too many scars not to wear any, but Neji can pull it off. He just needs to exfoliate and moisturize regularly."

Kakashi grimaced, eye unwillingly fixing itself upon Neji's shaven legs, which really did look too shapely for their own good. He had no doubt the boy would bulk up on leg training once they got back to Konoha.

"He really hates stockings too. Watch," Tenten went over to Neji. Plopping herself onto his bed, she leaned in close to place her face inches away from the slumbering teen's. Kakashi resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow. He had always wondered about these two...

"It rubs the lotion on its skin," she breathed into Neji's ear, "Or else it gets the hose again."

Neji bolted upright with a scream.

* * *

_A/N: Oh, sure, tell me he doesn't have lady legs._


	20. Save a horse, ride a ninja

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**20. Save a horse, ride a ninja**

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Neji still wasn't talking to her, so Tenten was in Kakashi's dorm, riding him.

Up and down. And up. And down.

It was soothing, really. With Gai, she felt like she was on top of an insane rabbit. With Lee, somehow, it was like being on a squirrel. With Kakashi, it was just like having a very sedate seesaw ride.

"You can lie back if you like." Kakashi said cheerfully from beneath her as he continued with his 300th finger pushup.

With distaste, she felt the sweat from his moist shirt seeping through and oozing onto her butt, "I'm good."

* * *

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_A/N: I hear when Sakura rides him, something very different happens…_


	21. Domination

**21. Domination**

"Thanks for helping with my workout Tenten. You're much better for training than Sakura, she's way too light."

A vein throbbed in her forehead. "So I'm heavy."

"Yup." He paused, "I mean..."

"Festively plump?" she bit out.

He was very wary. "Uh. No. Not at all. You're super, Tenten."

"Super fat?" she spat.

He sighed. "What is it with women and their weight?"

Tenten shifted her pose on his upper back, swinging her legs round and crooking her knees to plant her feet flat on his butt. She leant back to dig her elbows into his shoulders. "It's an unreasonable expectation imposed by society that women should starve themselves to stay rake thin in order for men to find them attractive."

Kakashi was uncomfortable. "I'm almost done with my-"

"NO." Tenten barked, sharply slapping his right gluteal muscle with one foot, "500 more push ups in atonement for hurting a young girl's feelings!"

Kakashi redoubled his efforts, visible eye popping. Gai's female student was scary.

* * *

Together with a mission update to the Hokage was a personal note to Haruno Sakura.

_Dear Sakura,_

_You said it couldn't be done. Well, I kicked Hatake Kakashi's butt yesterday. All by myself._

_Tenten_


	22. Assignments

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_**D:**__ I own Tenten's 184__th__ kunai. Now if I could only find it in this morass…_

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* * *

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___**22. Assignments**_

Tenten sighed.

Snooping through students' journals filled with pubescent angst and drama for clues could hardly be described as 'intelligence-gathering'. It was a last resort, given their lack of leads since the clinic incident. While Tenten gained much insight on what a normal girl thought and felt during the tumultuous adolescent years, she despaired that the typical teenager was simply too self-absorbed to notice the goings-on beyond their small sphere of existence.

For the male students, who rarely kept diaries, the other method of information extraction they employed was genjutsu. Kakashi and Neji handled that. Tenten didn't ask what went on in the genjutsus. Neji always seemed thoughtful after, so she could only guess.

In class, Takeshi leaned over and wheedled. "Can I copy your homework?"

Tenten smirked at their code for exchanging information. She wanted to mock him though, if he couldn't cheat like a normal ninja, he had no business being their team leader.

"You can copy from me, Takky-kun!" They hadn't counted on over-zealous fangirls though.

"My handwriting's much nicer, use my notes!"

"I'll copy it down _for_ you, darling!"

Nadia slammed a notebook on Takeshi's table.

"Here."

Having staked her claim, the girl stalked off.

_

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_

A/N: What the hell. I just read the synopsis of the latest Naruto movie. I'm more of a manga reader, and don't follow the anime or movies (although I youtube for the Tenten omakes), but now I realize that I am truly a plagiarist, even when I don't know it! Gah. Major revising of plot time. And this isn't even supposed to HAVE a plot! Sucks, I tells ya! Suuuucks!


	23. In fairness

_**D:**_ If you sued me, what superpower would your particular Sue have?

* * *

**_23. In fairness_**

It was a blistering hot day. Neji was wearing a sun visor. And a bowl of ramen.

He was the class mascot for their food stall at the school fair.

His protests had fallen on deaf ears. Tenten said she needed to be unencumbered to guard him well. Kakashi agreed. And took pictures.

"Please eat at Nee-san's Ramen," he called out in monotone at passersby. Some of them intentionally bumped the rim of his bulky half-circle shape with a smirk as they passed.

"Hey, hot stuff," giggling, Tenten approached, keeping the customary distance between bodyguard and lady, although this time it was due to an actual physical obstacle.

"Yes, I am quite literally steaming in here," Nadia said dourly. "Is your shift at the fortune telling booth over?"

"Hai."

She eyed him critically, "Do you have an arm hole somewhere on this thing?"

His hand appeared over the top of the bowl, disguised as a large noodle.

"Good," Tenten snapped a handcuff over his wrist, "My shift just started at the marriage/torture booth. You're on the list of brides-to-be."

Some days, Neji thought maybe Tenten really should have dropped out of the Academy. She was enjoying the civilian life far too much.


	24. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mime

__

_D: __As for my previous rant regarding the similarity in plot this appears to have with the Inheritors of the Will of Fire movie, I have decided to adopt Douglas Adams' elegant solution to all bothersome issues and consider this SEP (Somebody Else's Problem). Already, my troubles fade before me… _

* * *

_**24. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mime. **_

Kakashi had volunteered to be a mime for the fair. It excused him from having to explain why he was wandering about the campus for clues.

He waved cheerily when Tenten and Neji neared.

"Hello to you too, Sunny." Tenten greeted. "Nice gloves. May I see?"

Normally, Kakashi was more cautious. Snap! went the handcuffs.

He said nothing. He pretended to look about anxiously, then gave them a meaningful stare.

"What?" Neji asked. A crowd had gathered, watching their antics.

"He's looking for his dog," Tenten surmised. "Spot."

Kakashi couldn't facepalm, since his hand was cuffed to a limp noodle.

* * *

____

_A/N: Look, I know, ok. I hate me too._


	25. Marriage is a life sentence

_**D:**__ If Kishimoto created Naruto, and supposing Naruto created this fic, would Kishimoto own this fic?_

_

* * *

_

**25. Marriage is a life sentence**

The celebration was held in a wooden cage. Wearing both a monk's robe and an executioner's hood, the student officiating the ceremony held in her hands a book, and a scimitar. It was a hit, because the concept of a marriage/torture booth was both ironic and rather true, when you thought about it.

Privately, Kakashi thought this was probably what Naruto's dreams were like, except that it would have been better if Neji actually _had_ been a gigantic bowl of ramen.

"You may now kiss the bride."

Amidst loud hoots and whistles, the two stared at each other in horror.

* * *

_A/N: We had separate booths for marriage and torture in high school, but I always thought a crossover of the two would make sense._


	26. Field trip

____

_**D: **__Wazzaaaa…._

__

_______8/9/10_

_______

* * *

_

_**26. Field trip**_

Tenten sat between the two boys on the boat, a solid fortress of propriety. It was a fine day, and the carefree chatter of the other students washed over them as they sailed to Koi Island.

For once, Neji was glad about Tintin's 'chaperoning duties.' She had saved him from kissing his sensei's eternal rival. He'd been prepared for many dangers on this mission, but nothing as awful as what nearly happened during the fair.

He looked out towards the sea, pensive.

"I feel as if there's some unresolved sexual tension between you two now." Tenten joked.

A splash off the portside precluded Neji's scathing reply as an outcry of 'student overboard!' arose.

Kakashi sighed, loathe to wet his mask. Still, he had a reputation to establish as swashbuckling rounin kid. He stood.

Tenten socked him in the gut.

"Your wishes, Nadia-sama?" she asked, ignoring Kakashi's plaintive,"No need to go that far…" as he sank down with a grunt.

"Go," Neji murmured benevolently.

Tenten leapt off the stern, diving cleanly into the water. She surfaced with the blubbering student slung over her shoulder. Molding chakra, she lightly trotted across the water's surface, then ran up the side of the boat___._


	27. Bromance

_**D:**__ …aaaaa…._

_8/9/10_

_

* * *

_

_**27. Bromance**_

They'd arrived at the port of Koi Island .

"First kiss?" Kakashi teased. Tenten glowered.

Neji studied his well-manicured nails indifferently. Perhaps he'd hit the grateful boy Tenten saved from drowning a little _too_ hard, but anyone who could verbally ask for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation obviously had no need of it, and was only after the sweet taste his team mate's lips.

_What_?

Tenten waved them off as she sat on the boat, wringing out her hair. "I entrust you with the safety of Nadia-sama," she told Kakashi. "Have a nice date together."

It was their turn to frown at her.


	28. Wherein Kakashi is disparaging

_**D:**__ …aaaa…._

_8/9/10_

_

* * *

_

_**28. Wherein Kakashi is disparaging**_

"If she were really my bodyguard, I'd have fired her by now." Neji hated that he couldn't sulk the normal way. He had to do it in a girly manner. He seethed and tried his best to move like his cousin. But lacked the assets.

They walked among the ornamental koi ponds and sacred temples the island was famous for.

"Yeah, she's really incompetent," Kakashi said airily. "Hardly any kind of ninj-"

Onlookers were surprised at the speed with which Nadia yanked Takeshi off the path and into the cover of some nearby trees. Ah, the flames of youthful passion.


	29. Wherein Neji is loyal

**D: …**_aaaaa…._

_8/9/10_

* * *

_**29.**__**Wherein Neji is loyal**_

Once concealed from public scrutiny, Neji slammed Kakashi against a trunk and opened his mouth.

"I was only kidding," Kakashi put a hand on the boy's shoulder, forestalling the diatribe, "I needed you to initiate this little getaway and get us out of sight. It's a double standard you know, Nadia can molest Takeshi, but not the other way around."

Neji continued to glare. Kakashi continued, "Tenten's doing great. By sending us off together, she gave herself an opening to find out more about the missing girls. I think the drowning episode was a ploy to get to Nadia somehow, so we should just play along."

Neji relaxed, but said, "Don't say things like that about Tenten, regardless."

Kakashi smiled. Then grimaced.

"Let's go be more visible. I don't want people thinking that we're making out _that _heavily."

* * *

Tenten was ready to scream.

Even when disguised, Neji always emanated that 'approach-at-your-own-risk' vibe that kept all but the most determined at bay. His absence now exposed her to the predators of high school, also known as the 'popular kids'.

"Well," she sighed as they avidly hung on to any juicy morsel she might reveal, "There was one time, at ninja camp…"


	30. Pirates ahoy

_**D:**__…aaaap?_

_8/9/10_

**

* * *

**

**30. Pirates ahoy**

Bound and gagged, Takeshi and Nadia stared bleakly at each other from opposite ends of the rowboat. The abduction would never have succeeded, but for their need to stay in character and determine if the kidnapper was connected to the missing students.

"The buxomest lassie indeed was she, in all the islands of the seven seas…." their captor sang, pushing the little craft further away from shore.

"Let us go, old man. We haven't got any money and we aren't useful hostages," Kakashi spoke through the gag quite easily. He was used to having a piece of cloth covering his mouth all the time after all.

"Old man, I like that," grinned their hoary host. "I can still take you on easily, son of White Fang or not."

The two prisoners blinked.

"Nice to know I can still conceal my identity from one of the most talented Byakugan users in the Hyuuga clan, and the Copy Ninja of Konoha." With a swirl of robes, the Toad Sennin revealed himself

"I knew it was you," Kakashi interjected smoothly as Neji rolled his eyes. "Are you here because of our report?"

"That," Jiraiya shrugged, "and the vestal virgins here are quite famous."

* * *

_A/N: I just had to use the word 'buxomest'._


	31. Quadrabble

_**D:**__ Ok, so someone just came out of nowhere and kicked me really hard in the face. I'm like, that's Gai's signature move, you cretin, you can't copy that! And he's like oh yeah and I'm like yeah so he's like well I made a disclaimer before I kicked you._

_So we're like, okay now. _

_8/9/10_

* * *

**31 Quadrabble**

He tossed a scroll at Kakashi, which plunked the Copy Nin on the head.

"My hands are still tied, you know."

"Yes, I'm glad to see the special knot-tying jutsu I created can keep even you restrained," Jiraiya looked elated, "It will be able to hold Naruto then."

Neji inclined his head in obvious curiosity. He was interested on how the younger boy's special training was going, but couldn't verbalize the question, still being gagged. He was working on the bonds, though. With the Byakugan, he pinpointed where the jutsu was weakest. To the naked eye it appeared to be an ordinary rope, but it created a field of restrictive chakra around the captive that imprisoned them fully. Inadvertently, this exercise in escape would serve Neji well in the future, during their capture within Kisame's water prison.

Speaking of Kisame, just as Neji broke free, something else happened.

Gai had regaled them with the story of his dynamic entry to save Asuma, Kurenai and his eternal rival from the two Akatsuki who had entered Konoha before Sasuke left the Village. He had (according to his narrative) kicked upwards with an Explosion of Youth from beneath the water, surprising the enemy and forcing them to retreat.

Since Itachi was there, Gai kept his eyes fixed on the Sharingan-user's feet the entire time. He claimed, however, that he would certainly recognize Itachi's partner if they ever met again.

Tenten and Neji somehow doubted it.

Inspired by their sensei's glorious attack, Lee had immediately set to training to emulate this move. Neji had contented himself with working on holding his breath under water while using Byakugan and Gentle Fist, and Tenten began making her scrolls waterproof.

Secretly though, she must have been training, just as Lee did, because she now burst through the waves, catching Jiraiya's chin with a hard upwards kick, and sending him flying far, far away.

This was not the most spectacular thing about Tenten's dynamic entry though.

Landing lightly on the prow, the kunoichi of Team Gai registered that she had just landed a kick on one of the three Sannin of Konoha, which, while a major feat, should not have been possible. Also, he had been smiling in sheer delight despite profusely bleeding as he shot off into the distance. Why?

"Crap."

Tenten looked down at herself and realized that she was not in her regular ninja attire.


	32. The deal

**_D:_**_ Today, for a brief, shining moment, I owned Naruto. And then Kishimoto started winning the poker game and now I'm down to my knickers and slippers. Lend me a fiver, my good reader._

8/9/10

* * *

**32. The deal**

"It's all right, Tenten," Kakashi tried once more. She wouldn't raise her head. Huddled into a little ball of shame at the bottom of the hull, she refused to look at either of them in the eye.

"We aren't perverts, you kn-," Kakashi stopped mid-sentence, then motioned vaguely at Neji, "_He_ isn't a pervert…"

"I just dress up like a girl sometimes." Not very constructive, but Neji couldn't help it. Kakashi gave a huge sigh.

"Look, if it will make you feel better," he began to unbuckle his belt. "We'll show you ours. You too, Neji. Pants off."

"I'm not wearing pants." Neji said shortly, trying not to die of chagrin. "And you are in henge. That is hardly fair."

Kakashi paused. "True."

He hunkered down in front of Tenten and did the eye crinkle that made the girls of HTJH swoon. "How about this. We promise to strip naked in front of you after this mission so we all have an equal share of embarrassment. Agreed?"

Neji began to protest that they had only seen Tenten's panties, but Kakashi pulled rank on him.

Tenten raised her head, an unexpected glint of triumph in her eyes.

The boys sweatdropped.


	33. Blood supply

_**D: **So sorry for the delayed update, I was on hiatus. _

_See what I did there? I stated the obvious, provided no useful information, and took up the reader's time better spent on the actual story. That, for me, is the true essence of a fanfic disclaimer. _

* * *

_**33. Blood supply**_

"Kabuto will give me a check up when we get back," Tenten updated them during the return trip to school. "Since we're the only ones in class with enough skills to save a drowning student in rough waters, it looks like the whole thing was a set up to get one of us sent to the clinic."

"I thought as much," Kakashi hummed, closing his eye and enjoying the wind ruffling his hair. Somewhere in the vicinity, a group of girls sighed.

Tenten nodded, "So, better me than you. I'm not in any henge, look nothing like my usual self, and Kabuto has never come in direct contact with me."

"He had a file on everyone at the Chuunin exam," Neji murmured, "He might take a blood sample to identify you."

Tenten waved away his concern. "I've got lots of different blood."

They stared at her, a little apprehensively.

"Neji, she does seem to sparkle in the sunlight, don't you think?"

"And she gets downright bloodthirsty sometimes," Neji looked pale.

"I constantly summon weapons from scrolls!" Tenten was exasperated, "I'd become anemic if I only used my own blood, so I have a subscription with the local blood bank."

_

* * *

_

_ A/N: Never mind how implausible that is. More pressing is the question of whether Kakashi actually likes Twilight. _


	34. Poker face

_**D: **I have a very Calvin and Hobbes relationship with real life. Sometimes, it's a harmless plaything that lets me be. Then once in a while it tries to kill me._

* * *

_**34. Poker face**_

The clinic was as Kakashi had described. Clean, immaculate, not an item out of place. Tenten suspected a genjutsu, because try as she might, she found nothing amiss.

"Doctor Nerris," Tenten called politely from the clinic door.

"Please," Kabuto smiled, "Call me Chuck."

"...Chuck?"

As if this mission wasn't hard enough.

He nodded genially.

"Doctor... Chuck Nerris?" her query was soft.

"Indeed. Please, sit down."

* * *

"Your hair is very pretty," the doctor complimented. Tintin tittered with delight.

"I brush it a hundred times a day," she told him, earnest. "It stays wavy no matter what I do though," she pouted prettily.

"You have really nice hair too, Ch—" she choked on his name suddenly.

"Chuck."

"Chuck," she blushed madly and fidgeted. An unexpected attack of shyness? He patted her head benignly and continued with his physical exam.

* * *

Neji sought her out in the girl's bathroom. For a ninja, she was laughing very loudly.

"Nadia-sama," Tintin gasped, "You are in grave danger."

Neji's frown deepened. "Tintin. Did you. Let. Your. Guard. Down."

"From _Chuck Nerris_." Tenten gurgled, hawing in glee.

Sighing, Neji came closer and rubbed her shoulders sympathetically.

Tenten was weak against both wind-based techniques, and the corny joke.

* * *

_A/N: I've painted myself into a corner here. How could anyone, even Kakashi, possibly win against Chuck Nerris? Gai SHOULD have come on this mission. Only he would stand a chance._


	35. Sucking more

_**D:** By the law of six degrees of separation, I need only kill a certain number of people to own Naruto. You can too! Just don't start with me._

**

* * *

**

35. Sucking more

Kakashi didn't know what girls did in the bathroom that took so long, but apparently Neji did, because he was really taking his time in there.

While quarantined in her room for monitoring against any jutsu Kabuto may have surreptitiously placed on her, Tenten insisted that Takeshi continue acting as 'bodyguard' to Nadia .

"Oh Nadia-sweetiekins," Kakashi called out in singsong, tired of waiting.

A familiar feeling of coldness alerted the Copy Nin to the approach of the Sound spy. Kabuto turned the corner just as Neji exited the bathroom.

"Mrph!"

Kabuto stared at the two students passionately kissing in front of him. He coughed. Then raised an eyebrow as the girl pulled her boyfriend into the bathroom, shooting him a look that clearly said, "_My family gives generous donations to this school, lowly medic, so stay out of my business."_

Brats. The snotty kids in this academy were almost more than he could bear. If this weren't such a fertile ground for research he would have killed every single person in the school. But things were picking up. He now had a very valuable subject in his sights. Kabuto did not have many virtues, but patience he had in abundance.


	36. Making out is hard to do

_**D:**__ Speaking of Naruto, I really like coffee._

* * *

**36. Making out is hard to do**

They didn't look at each other.

Tensely, they listened as Kabuto cleared his throat in a carrying manner outside the bathroom, announcing mildly to the air, "Oh, a prefect is coming" before they sensed him move on.

Kakashi leant heavily against the tiled wall. "I will not enjoy the memories of this clone."

"At least you're a clone." Neji said gloomily. His first thought had been to slap Takeshi and run off before Kabuto could come any closer, but that risked dispelling Kakashi's bunshin and raising Kabuto's suspicions.

Neji would have done anything, even worn the green jumpsuit, before this.


	37. The repercussions

____

**_D:_**_ I do not own. I pwn._

* * *

**37. The repercussions**

"Tenten," Neji strode into the room, making Tenten jump at his tone.

"What's wrong?" she asked in alarm as he zeroed in on her.

"Emph!"

Kakashi glanced up from his book, confused at the out-of-nowhere show of affection from the normally-reserved Hyuuga. He had to admit though, it was rather entertaining, since Neji was still disguised as Nadia. And 'she' was kissing Tintin.

However, when he dispelled his clone and absorbed the memories, Kakashi looked like he'd bitten into a very sour lemon.

Neji raised his head and said to Tenten, very seriously, "I am not gay."

"Byuh," she articulated.

Then someone pulled her roughly out of Neji's arms.

"Awmmm?"

Kakashi normally did not kiss girls with his mask on, but as this was an anomalous situation, he went with what felt right.

"I am not gay either."

"Wark." Tenten responded succinctly. When she got her eyes uncrossed, she saw they were awaiting further feedback from her.

"Damn straight." She nodded with gusto, "Hetero all the way."

"We're ready to prove it to you anytime," Kakashi told her solemnly. "So never doubt."

They stared at each other a while longer, before awkwardly returning to their designated areas of the room.


	38. Wherein Tenten is philosophical

_**D: **__In heaven, there are no disclaimers._

_9/13/10_

* * *

**Wherein Tenten is philosophical**

Despite Kakashi and Neji's unwillingness to discuss what had brought _that_ on, Tenten soon found out from the school grapevine about the 'kissing in the corridor' episode. These students hadn't a clue about missing classmates, but were immediately up to date about who was making out with who. She kept mum, so as not to trigger another smooch attack.

Anyone else would be despondent to learn that the kisses weren't motivated by True Love. Tenten took it in stride. Enjoyable as it was, she needed to focus.

What kind of guys randomly kissed girls to prove they weren't gay, anyway?

* * *

A/N: Oh Tenten, their choice of girls might seem random to _you_…


	39. Uninvited

_**D:**__ In hell, disclaimers mean nothing. Huh, I'm in hell._

_9/13/10_

* * *

**Uninvited**

It was a foregone conclusion among the student body that Takeshi and Nadia were going to the prom together. Tintin, however, was fair game.

"Grrr."

"Boo!"

"Uh," Tenten stalled as she came across Kakashi and Neji in various postures of menace and threat along the hallway. "Do I even want to know?"

"No," 'Nadia' flipped her braid behind her and linked arms possessively with her bodyguard, "You don't." He began leading her away.

"But I'm supposed to meet—"

Takeshi looped an arm around her other elbow as well. "Does whatever you're supposed to do involve guarding Nadia to the utmost of your ability?"

Tenten made a face at Kakashi, "No, but I got a note in my locker asking—"

"Guys are jerks," Neji said, a trifle viciously. "No offense, Tak-kun."

"None taken," Kakashi said amiably, "Leave the boys to us, Tintin."

As she was frog-marched down the corridor, Tenten thought she heard faint groans coming from their classroom. She hoped her classmates would forgive her for not meeting up with them. They seemed nice.

She was unaware of the male students' various fantasies of her, but Neji and Kakashi did, and they simply did not care for it.


	40. Plot hole

__

__

**D: **_In purgatory, disclaimers are found in every chapter. Welcome._

_9/13/10_

_

* * *

_

**Plot hole****(set after chapter 2 and chapter 37, simultaneously)**

"Explain please. I thought the point was to _let _Nadia get kidnapped?" Tenten asked, snagging Neji's comb and running it through her drying hair.

"Hey!"

"My comb's missing, thanks to you."

"I had nothing to do with it."

"No one else would dare."

"I didn't steal your comb." Neji insisted. Tenten reluctantly returned the toothy device. When his lower lip started to stick out like that, she knew Neji was moments away from a rant on how Hyuugas may be bastards for creating Branch houses but they were not dishonorable bastards who stole combs from team mates.

"Tenten, could you put some clothes on?" Kakashi was a little too bemused at the sight of a girl in a damp towel to really process her earlier question.

"It's my dorm room and I'll dress how I want." She frowned at Neji, who had placed himself squarely between her and Kakashi's line of sight. "What?"

"Clothes. Now."

"Or what?"

His hand shot out faster than the eye could see, mussing up her carefully-combed locks, "Or this."

"The hell!" suddenly they were in a hair-messing war. Tenten's towel slipped lower.

Kakashi wondered if they'd agree to moving it to a mud pit somewhere.


	41. Prom preps

_**D: **__I don't own Naruto. No, that can't be right. I should own Naruto. I **do **own Naruto. Naruto is **mine**. (My room is very soft and my jacket very strait.)_

_9/13/10_

* * *

**Prom preps**

Tenten was jealous of Neji in many ways. He was a ridiculously gifted ninja. He mastered techniques much more quickly than she or Lee did, with far less trial and error. He rivaled her in grace, exceeded her in power.

Looked better than she did in a dress.

Not that he enjoyed it. "I'm sick of this waiting, Kakashi. I say we give the clinic another try."

"You just don't want to go to the prom with me," the jounin casually adjusted his tie while glancing in the mirror. He fancied he looked rather dashing, like the lead male character in his favorite book.

"I _really_ don't. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't swing that way," Neji said dryly. He wondered if it was possible for Kakashi to be any more laid back. Where was the superb concentration and fearsome mental prowess of the legendary Copy Nin of Konoha they had heard so much about?

Kakashi smoothed his hair back.

"Judging from the kisses alone, it's a wonder either of you swing at all," Tenten muttered as she adjusted the strap of her heel.

The utter silence that followed made her look up sharply.

"Guys? Remember the mission… Guys! Ooomph!"


	42. Wallflowers

_**D: **D__isclaimers here are like ninjas. You can never tell if they're actually what they appear to be._

_9/13/10_

* * *

**Wallflowers**

Being an elite academy, couples at the prom did not bother with after-party trysts at such mundane places as broom closets, empty classrooms, or the clinic. No, they booked hotels for such activities.

Watching yet another pair of students discreetly leave the school auditorium, Tenten sniffed in disapproval.

"They really shouldn't be doing anything like that at their age," she made a face at her spiked punch, "It's not like they're in a dangerous profession where they could die at any moment, and so must seize any opportunity to have sex."

Neji began choking on his own drink, and Kakashi decided it was time to make their move.


	43. In the clinic

_**D: **__I only intended for this story to be 30 chappies, 1 a day for my personal NaNoWriMo (Naruto Nonsense Writing Monster-truck-of-doom-extravaganza-lovefest-what). But I haven't seen hide nor hair of a vampire or a zombie anywheres. Demmit. I'll go smash some pumpkins and eat some cranberries and see if that inspires me._

9/27/10 ~ gah, I meant 9/17/10

* * *

**In the nurse's office**

Jiraiya's scroll detailed how to disarm each and every trap laid across the clinic entrance.

_"Use the window."_

"Well, whaddaya know," Kakashi muttered as they unfastened the windowpane hinges.(1)

Without genjutsu, the clinic did not at all resemble how the general school population perceived it.

"Is this… alive?" Tenten asked, feeling a warm rubbery substance underneath. She lit a taper. Soft gray matter covered every surface of the room. With unease, Neji informed them he detected chakra points _on the wall_ and _floor_.

They fervently hoped that the clinic's fleshy interior was not all that remained of the missing students.

* * *

Footnote:

_(1)No, of course that's not what happened, I'm sure there was an incredibly complex procedure involved in disabling the traps, but I choose not to expose my lack of jutsu-savvyness by simply glossing over this._


	44. Spelunking

_**D: **Someday, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you and... what was I saying?_

* * *

**Spelunking**

Kakashi gave urgent orders for Neji to seal off as many points as he could. The Hyuuga went into action. When he finished, they kept to the path where Neji had numbed the flesh and proceeded cautiously.

"There is a space time jutsu at work here," Kakashi said, as they became aware that the 'clinic' was no longer a single chamber, but extended into a tunnel. Passing through, Neji continued to seal off chakra points before them, scouting ahead for trouble.

Kakashi followed immediately behind, while Tenten placed a hand on his belt after the light went out, being the only one who couldn't see chakra. There were no windows to shed even the faintest light- Tenten was effectively blind. She didn't like it. She didn't like enclosed spaces either. Not because she was claustrophobic, but because it left little opportunity for using explosives.

"Hurrr…"

They froze.

Neji shook his head at Kakashi's voiceless query behind him. He couldn't see any chakra signatures.

Kakashi was glad Tenten didn't yank on his belt to ask what was going on. The girl obviously knew he'd give orders when needed.

Then Tenten let go of Kakashi's belt.


	45. Hur hur

_**D:** Armed with Gru's loaned shrink ray, I proceeded with my evil plan. I **went **to Konoha, I **shrank **Konoha, I **grabbed **Konoha, I sat **on **the toilet..._

_Anyone else think Vector with his bowl cut in Despicable Me looked like a Rock Lee raised horribly wrong?_

* * *

****

****

**Hur hur**

It was the cold, clammy hand on her butt that did it.

Her team mates seemed as blind as she was, and while Tenten couldn't feel the presence of any chakra, she certainly knew that something was in there, and groping her, no less. Spinning to grab the arm attached to the offending hand, she twisted and flung her molester into the wall to her right. There was a soft squelch. With a swift jump, she rose to a height she calculated to bring her just beneath the ceiling she'd briefly glimpsed while the taper burned. She threw up a series of lighting tags in intervals of six feet along the entire corridor they'd traveled, and twenty more feet beyond. They stuck to the ceiling, and ignited, lighting the tunnel to reveal Kakashi and Neji on the ceiling beside her, quickly adjusting to the light.

Below them stood the missing students. All young girls with cold, empty eyes and slack jaws. They reached up, waving their arms, and began to groan in varying timbres.

"Hurrr…."

The tunnel ululated, seemed to shudder in response to their cries.

"Let's get out of here." Kakashi said.

They didn't need to be told twice.


	46. Bombastic

**Bombastic**

The tunnel shook violently. Tenten nearly lost her chakra hold, and dangled wildly by a toe as beneath her, zombie girls grasped upwards at her hanging hair. Neji grabbed her, pulling her ceiling-wise to run behind him and Kakashi.

Before them, the tunnel constricted, the passageway shuttering like a gigantic throat gagging on an unsavory morsel.

"How is it able to move?" Neji sharpened his gaze, Byakugan activated, "I sealed the chakra points in that entire area!"

"The same way those girls function without chakra, I suppose," Kakashi said. The path remained closed.

The girls started climbing the walls.

Lightning crackled in Kakashi's hand. "Stay back. I'll use raikiri."

"No, _you _stay back." Tenten fired a series of explosive kunai at the blockage, and they all stayed _way_ back as the tunnel blasted open.

Kakashi and Neji exchanged looks, then shrugged.

"I suppose it's better this way," Kakashi commented as they jumped through, "Kabuto won't know there's a lightning-user among us, and I didn't have to touch that fleshy thing,"

"Don't encourage her. She really just likes to blow things up," Neji shook his head.

"I do not," Tenten protested, but the manic gleam in her eye gave her away.

* * *

_A/N: It's not fair for Kakashi to have a gaiden, and Gai not to have a Kakashiden. _


	47. We only come out at night

____

**_D:_**_ They say possession is nine-tenths of ownership. Kishimoto, prepare to be exorcised. _

* * *

**We only come out at night**

The zombie girls followed them out of the clinic.

They clambered out of the window and dropped to the ground outside. Despite the explosion, no smoke set off the fire alarms, contained within that alternate space they had just escaped.

"What is it?" Tenten asked Neji, who stared stupefied at the emerging students, who were crawling down the wall, apparently using chakra, but impossibly so, because Neji said they didn't have chakra.

"I've never seen anything like it. They're— vacuous."

"That's a little harsh. Sure, they might be shallow rich kids but," Kakashi glanced at Neji, "Oh, you're serious."

"Braaainssss…"


	48. Drabble 3

**_D: _**_I was told I could open up my chakra centers with yoga. After taking some classes, I tested this out. Unfortunately, "Yoga Kick!" and "Yoga Smash!" are incredibly dumb moves in an actual fight. _

**

* * *

**

**Drabble 3**

The first one glomped Kakashi. Then they dogpiled him.

"They're still alive," he called out, although he confirmed this using a method somewhat shocking and embarrassing for Tenten and Neji to behold. "We'll need to restrain them and find out how to bring them back to normal awareness… ooof." He disappeared in a tangle of limbs, although he didn't look like he minded.

"Overcome with pleasure," Neji ducked and evaded their grasping hands.

"That's one way of putting it," Tenten said wryly, as they backed away, trying to formulate a plan. She summoned chains. That would work. She turned.

"Neji!"


	49. I am not legend

_**D:**__ I guess Tenten gets so little screen time because the network can't afford her salary. I mean, come on, she's famous. She's in Streetfighter, goes chibi in Fullmetal Alchemist, just dyes her hair for Sailormoon, and now appears in manga flashbacks as the first jinchuriki. Not to mention her RL appearances in the Wonder Girls' Nobody But You music videos. She must command at least five times the salary of Naruto, who only makes a recurring appearance in Bleach. _

_9/22/10_

* * *

**I am not legend**

Tenten puffed, Neji on her back, running from zombies. Kakashi's penchant for passing out from chakra exhaustion seemed to be rubbing off on her team mate, because Neji was unconscious and, as far as she could tell, without chakra.

"Wait…" she recalled a zombie had managed to wrap a hand around Neji's wrist before he collapsed.

"Are they… chakra drainers?" she glanced back at her pursuers. They moved slowly but inexorably towards her, as she raced across the school grounds towards the perimeter gates.

Why hadn't she been drained of chakra back in the tunnel then? And Kakashi seemed fine when they left him, a little overwhelmed with the Harem No Jutsu-like attack, but he'd survive. They were only targeting Neji, then?

"Braaainsss…"

How did they know which chakra was his? When she had gone for the check up, Neji had erased all traces of his chakra on her. This was tricky, since they were team mates and had passed each other chakra all throughout their lives when the other ran low, but with enough re-channeling, and his skill with the Byakugan, they'd accomplished it.

_"Your hair is very pretty."_

"My comb!" Tenten exclaimed, "So Neji really didn't steal it!"


	50. Plants vs zombies

_**D:**__ Did you know that there are stories on this site that have more than Three Hundred Chapters? With more than Two Million Words? And even at that point, are _incomplete_? I don't know if I should be inspired, or appalled. That's a lot of work for something you don't claim to own._

_(Sez the author of Fifty Chapters and Counting. *preens*)_

_9/22/10_

* * *

**Plants vs zombies**

Gathering chakra to her feet, Tenten jumped into the highest tree she could find. The zombie students began to climb.

Peering down, she noted that the girls' empty eyes were indeed following her team mate's hair, which swung to and fro as he lay slumped across Tenten's back.

"Braaiiidddssss…" Their message was clear now.

"Can't let you," Tenten told them. "He really likes his hair. It's a clan thing."

She couldn't hurt them, and she couldn't stop them while keeping Neji safe. Tenten readied to plant her foot into the nearest attacker's face. Team mates came first before zombified daughters of rich clients, no matter what the mission scroll said.

A length of wood shot out from the bark of the tree, and wrapped itself around the closest zombie girl. With sudden, muted crashes, Tenten saw more trees come alive and yank undead students into the nearby branches.

A figure dropped down beside her on the branch. An ANBU mask inclined towards her in greeting.

"Kakashi-sempai called me. Where is he?"

Tenten pointed, and the ANBU blurred out of sight. She heard what sounded like a scandalized scream after a few seconds. This ANBU didn't seem very good with stealth.


	51. Quitting school

_**D: **I own Naruto. Also, I make up stories._

_9/28/10_

* * *

**Quitting school**

Tenten rounded up the remaining students with her chains, feeling both relieved and a little miffed Kabuto thought so little of her as a ninja that he didn't even bother encoding her chakra signature to be among those drained by the zombies.

Afterwards, the ANBU, who managed to look disapprovingly at Kakashi despite the mask, sealed off the clinic.

As they hoped, the seal severed the jutsu working on the girls. They collapsed to the ground, appearing merely unconscious, but otherwise unhurt.

"Get Neji and the girls out of here," Kakashi instructed Tenten. "I'll clean up our tracks and follow."

The ANBU did an impressive job of encasing the girls in a huge wicker ball, suspending them inside in such a way that they weren't tossed around as it rolled, and retreated with Tenten. They made their way out of the school grounds, and into the surrounding hills.

"Hmph." Tenten released an involuntary sigh as she realized something.

The ANBU looked at her enquiringly.

"I think Kakashi's a little disappointed that the mission is over. He was looking forward to being prom king," she grinned at him, before re-adjusting Neji on her shoulders.

The ANBU chuckled, and they continued.


	52. Who cares?

_A/N:__Drat it, there's all this plot going on and on. I hate plot. I wish it would just go away._

9/28/10

**

* * *

**

**Who cares?**

Kakashi debriefed the two other ANBU Tsunade had sent as back up. What had originally been a typical B-class mission was bumped up to A, bordering on a possible S, at the discovery of Kabuto's hand in the student disappearances. His presence often preceded Orochimaru's, and he was a threat Konoha could not take lightly.

The ANBU would secure the area, but Kakashi doubted the Sound nin would return. He didn't take unnecessary risks. Now he'd been discovered, Kabuto would move on.

Insofar as the search and rescue for the missing students was concerned, the mission was complete. But why create zombies in the first place?

Returning to the dorms, Kakashi collected all of his team's backpacks, all the while deep in thought. Takeshi, Tintin and Nadia would officially be reported as delinquent school dropouts by tomorrow.

The apparently flawless technique of reducing living beings to chakra-less zombies was troubling, as was the usage of Neji's hair from Tenten's comb as the source of tracking his chakra. Kakashi decided it would be a good idea to take his two team members aside for a serious talk.

He wanted to impress on the young ninja that sharing combs was very unhygienic.


	53. Drabble 4

_**D: **The best things in life are free. I'll settle for second best. I own Naruto. You can pay up now._

_9/28/10_

* * *

_**Drabble 4**_

The families of the girls were profuse with their thanks. Warned of possible after effects from Kabuto's workings, they gathered their best medics and placed the girls under collective observation.

* * *

"Welcome back," Neji awoke to his team mate's smiling face. It was a sight he could get used to, he had long admitted to himself.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we destroyed school property, played hooky, and are now officially OSY, Out of School Youth," she informed him gravely.

Neji leaned back and watched a flock of birds fly by, "Good."

Tenten laughed, and went to get him some food.

* * *

**_A/N:_**_The illusion which exalts us is dearer than ten-thousand truths -Aleksandr Pushkin (Russian poet)._

Just so you know, when you review, I prefer extravagant lies extolling my greatness to, say, actual constructive criticism. (rubs ego tenderly)


	54. Sympathy

_**D: **It's not like I **want **to own Naruto. Kishimoto can have Naruto. I want his money. _

9/28/10

* * *

**Sympathy**

They leapt through the trees, traveling back to Konoha.

"What's wrong with your shoulder Neji?"

The Hyuuga found he had absently been rubbing his left shoulder. "Nothing. The old wound from my fight with Kidoumaru just acting up."

"It's never done that before, has it?" Tenten remarked.

Neji did not like the look she was giving said body part, like she was mentally drawing a bulls eye on it and filing away the memory for future use during sparring sessions.

Their upbringing under Gai had unfortunately inculcated within Tenten the belief that the cure to any ill and weakness was to _beat_ it out, through severe and relentless training.

"You could try being comforting for once, you know," Neji suggested. He winced a little, to show the pain he was suffering.

Tenten looked startled, then thoughtful. She edged closer. Neji nodded in encouragement.

She whacked him on the back.

"There, there," she said in a honeyed tone.

Giving him a Gai-esque thumbs up, she grinned, and jumped onwards to the next branch, giggling.

Glancing behind him, Kakashi mused that it would be a while before the weapons master would realize that _that_ was no way to treat a potential boyfriend.

* * *

_A/N: And so I have complied with the requirement to make this a humor/hurt/comfort fic. Beats me why it can't just be humor/hurt. It's worked fine so far. _


	55. Filler episodes

_Getting tired of disclaimers..._

**_Warning_**_:_ _May contain nuts._

_10/4/10_

* * *

**Filler episodes**

Kakashi yawned. "Well, I'm beat. Let's make camp."

Tenten and Neji unslung their backpacks, preparing to pitch up tents, but the ANBU silently halted them.

He blurred through a series of seals, pressed his hands to the ground, and the surface of the soil erupted with a harsh, crackling sound like enormous trees creaking in movement.

Before them stood a towering edifice made entirely of wood.

The ANBU obviously had a special bloodline ability.

He also obviously liked to impress people.

"Told you Takeshi had a castle," Kakashi declared before they entered the building.

* * *

Tenten skimmed barefoot across the wood, delighting in the absence of splinters. She'd chosen the third floor because it had the biggest room, like a studio. Unfurling her scrolls with madcap glee, any person seeing her expression would have had no trouble believing she was a member of the highly emotional, often extreme, always pumped up Team Gai. She dropped to her knees before the rows and rows of weapons that appeared with the application of blood on the parchment, and surveyed her arsenal with glowing eyes.

"Did you miss me?" she cried, throwing out her arms for sheer joy.

Metal glinted back in the moonlight.


	56. Droubble 4

**_D:_**_ No real ninjas were hurt in the making of this fic._

_10/4/10_

* * *

**Droubble 4**

_This girl_, Kakashi thought, _has a severe weapons obsession_.

He'd been walking down from his floor on the fourth level of the tower to check on the security seals he and Tenzou had placed around their camp, but stopped at the sight of Tenten. Who appeared to be happily conversing with inanimate objects.

Sending a bunshin off to check the seals, Kakashi loitered to watch the girl deftly choose blades from the ranks of assorted knives and kunai lined up on one side and polish the ones with even the slightest hint of dullness back to a blinding sheen. He couldn't catch what she was murmuring, but it sounded doting and fond.

Then Tenten went abruptly still in shock. She eyed herself with horror in a katana's reflection. Slamming the blade into the floor, she rapidly parted her hair and began to fix it back into her regular style.

"No wonder you didn't recognize me," she muttered at the upright sword, still using it as a mirror, "I cannot believe how long it's been since I looked normal. Were you confused? I didn't mean to startle you."

With a flourish, she tied the second bun. "Tada! I'm back!"

"It's lopsided."


	57. Variations of HAG

**_D:_**_ The ninjas are deadly and silent. They're also unspeakably violent. They speak Japanese and do whatever they please and if you tear off their masks they'll be smiling. - Barenaked Ladies, Snacktime Album _

_10/4/10_

* * *

**VAriations of HAG****  
**  
She jumped and saw Kakashi. "Gah!"

"The left one's slightly lower than the right," he pointed and she angled her head sideways so she could see both buns in the sword's reflection.

"Agh!" she undid the left one quickly and bound it up again.

"Now it's too high."

"Now they're both too close to each other."

"Now you look like a princess in a sci fi movie."

Tenten grabbed a kunai, ready to give herself a crew cut.

"Wait," Kakashi pulled the weapon away gently and took up the hair wound earphone-style around one of Tenten's ears, "Let me try."

Tenten's jaw dropped, "How would you know anything about fixing girls' hair Kakashi-sensei?"

"I'm the Copy Nin," he sounded bored, threading his fingers through her locks, "And you've fixed it at least four times in front of me already, it can't be the hardest thing—"

His hand somehow ended up tied to her head.

* * *

Once they got him untangled, Tenten sighed, grabbed a senbon, twirled her hair around it, and fastened it into a single bun.

Kakashi looked at her. Tenten noticed his expression, and her face lit up.

"You remember?"

He shrugged, smiling. "Care for another dance?"

* * *

A/_N: The last three lines of this chap make reference to another story of mine, Teaching Tenten to Tango (riiiight, smooth one slipping that in there). The next chapter is a bit of a reprise of it, and I relaxed the droubble/drabble rule for this instance, so it's surprisingly lengthy. If you didn't enjoy 'Tango', you can skip that and go straight to chapter 59, it won't detract from the story (what story? Fine, it won't detract from this... thing...). Just had to indulge a long, long overdue request from waterdragonrai, although I am not even sure if she's reading this. If you are, waterdragonrai, the next one's for you._

_Wow. A dedication, I should do that more often._


	58. Tango Two

_**W: **Do not read while sleeping._

10/4/10

* * *

**Tango Two**

She was taller now, so she could reach his shoulder, and her other hand fit into his snugly. "But there's no music," she quirked her eyebrow.

He tapped a rhythm out against her waist with his fingers. "How's that?"

He started with the correct foot this time, and they were off.

It was a little tricky, avoiding all the weapons on the floor but Kakashi led true and Tenten had more confidence in his dancing than his hair-arranging skills.

"Hey," she remembered something else from the first time they'd met, "Do you still think I'm cute?"

He sighed. "I get in trouble no matter how I answer that."

"Answer it anyway," she insisted, but allowed him to spin her away for a twirl. Which became a double, triple, quadruple rotation. Kakashi was loathe to stop, actually.

"How about we don't talk?" he suggested when she came back, hoping she was dizzy enough now to forget her question, "It worked well the last time."

No such luck. She wasn't on a team with masters of the Kaiten and Konoha Senpuu attack for nothing. Countering team mates who went around in circles all the time was her forte. But she smiled to let him know he was off the hook for now.

"I didn't have to talk then. I was only using you for the mission." She tried to twirl him in return but even on tiptoe she couldn't reach over his gravity-defying hair.

Kakashi pretended to look offended, salvaging their awkward pose by segueing into a clinch. "Using me. I like that. You owe me."

"I really do," Tenten agreed. "And I never repaid you."

"No." Kakashi confirmed. In close embrace, they glided to one side.

"By now my debt's probably accrued interest of usurious proportions."

"Those are my regular rates, yes." They slinked to another.

"And you're probably charging me by the hour right now too?"

"It does fall under special services requiring skills beyond a shinobi's normal area of competence."

They contemplated her growing debt in companionable silence, focusing on a series of steps they had just made up on the spot that required actual chakra control to accomplish.

Then Tenten beamed, "How about I tell you a secret in exchange?"

"Ooh. I like secrets."

Kakashi bent from the waist, dipping her low and placing his ear close to her lips. When he straightened, he looked deadpan.

"I knew that," he scoffed, and led her into another set; they swept their feet in alternating half circles about them with practiced drama.

A young girl with a first crush was a very obvious thing. He'd easily picked up on her affection the next few times they saw each other, at the Chuunin exam, and the intermittent challenges Gai kept throwing at him. He was just glad her childish infatuation seemed to be gone.

"You know why I never pursued you?" she asked.

Pursued him?

Kakashi took another look at the girl in his arms and realized that, yes, with her belief that women could be as strong as men on the battlefield, and superior to males in all other aspects _off _the battlefield, Tenten was the type to strive for whatever goal she set her eyes on without hesitation.

For her not to have pursued him... Wasn't he enough of a goal? Kakashi shook his head, a bit disturbed that he even cared.

"I read somewhere," Tenten said, with a serious air, "That if you love someone—"

She let the phrase hang.

He rolled his eye as she started to giggle. It wasn't often that he got to hold a pretty, giggly girl this closely though, so he danced her this way and that around the room, to draw out the experience.

"I assure you Tenten, I do not know how that sentence ends," he said solemnly. "If you love someone, what?"

_Set them free_, was the usual cliche. Which would be much more applicable to the Hyuuga, with their proclivity for caged bird metaphors. Did that mean-?

Tenten sighed. "You'll only want what's best for them." She pinched his shoulder. "You're no fun."

He blinked. Placing both of his hands around her waist, their movement slowed to a gentle sway.

"And what's best for me, in your opinion?" he asked lightly.

"Not me," Tenten said. She looked thoughtful. "Not yet, at least." With a grin, "In a couple of years maybe. I'll show you. If you're still available then."

"Oh no," he mock-groaned, "So in the meantime I have to make do with poor substitutes?"

"Gai-sensei is not a poor substitute," Tenten chided. "Just hang in there Kakashi-sensei."

She knew she'd become too complacent when his hands gripped her like a vise. She should have curtseyed and scurried to a safe distance before mentioning the Green Beast of Konoha.

"What has Gai got to do with this?" his voice was low and dangerous. Of all the times for the deadly side of the legendary Copy Nin of Konoha to emerge, he picked this.

"He's—" she twitched as his fingers dug into her ribs, "exactly—" squirmed as Kakashi caught on and began to play a scale on her body, "—what's best for you! Right now." She writhed with pained laughter, "Leggo!"

She tried to twist around and flee but only got herself pulled back against him in an even tighter clinch. He locked her arms to her sides and pressed her back against his torso.

"Tenten," he said in a suffering tone, "Maito Gai is not 'the best thing' for me. At any time." He continued to tickle her mercilessly.

* * *

_A/N: Because somehow, I thought the Thousand Years of Pain Technique would be a little too strange a punishment to inflict on Tenten._


	59. Male bonding

**_D:_**_ I found out I was a ninja when I cut my finger on the beach and inadvertently summoned sharks. _

_10/4/10_

* * *

**Male bonding **

Neji looked out into the forest from the top floor of the tower, enjoying the view unhampered by sunglasses for the first time in weeks. He rather enjoyed the feeling of wearing pants again too.

The ANBU glanced at the boy in passing as he prepared to turn in. He could tell, this one was going far. Neji had recovered quickly, completed the scan of the school and the girls to ensure no further traces of the hypnotic jutsu remained, and kept up with the grueling pace Kakashi always set for his teams without falter.

The ANBU could also tell the violent bun-haired girl would be the one to help Neji reach his maximum potential.

"Aren't you going to check on your teammate downstairs?"

"I prefer not to bother Tenten while she is doing an inventory of her weapons," Neji replied. Especially after such an extended period of abstinence, he added silently.

During her 'private time with scrolls' Tenten was given to squealing in a fangirlish manner and emitting disconcertingly affectionate sounds, coupled with words crooned in such a caressing tone of voice that the rest of team Gai steered clear to avoid getting strange ideas about the weapons master.


	60. Or not

**_W: _**_May be too intense for some viewers._

_10/4/10_

**Or not**

"Are you fully recovered from your zombie encounter?" the ANBU asked conversationally.

"They were not zombies," Neji said decisively, "They were chakra vampires."

Absent a visible expression, the masked man shrugged, "You stated yourself they were devoid of chakra, which is essential to life force. Hence, they were zombies."

"Vampires."

"Zombies."

"Vampires."

"Zombies."

"Vampires."

"Zombies."

"Pirates."

They turned to see Kakashi enter the room.

"Those girls had bootleg copies of Jiraiya's great works," Kakashi said, displaying an Icha Icha novel sans the familiar orange cover. "Despicable! Stealing from a humble author's earnings when they have enough money to buy a hundred original sets in hardback." He scowled. "I almost regret saving them."

This was a revelation to the ANBU. "Teenage girls from elite high schools read porn?"

Nodding and 'tsk'ing at how perverted kids were nowadays, Kakashi handed his subordinate a backpack full of confiscated books, "Take care of that for me will you? Make sure no one touches it." The ANBU saluted smartly.

"By the way Neji, Tenten's got something of a weapons fixation, doesn't she?"

Neji had already turned back to the window, struggling with the realization that he actually missed the two green members of his team.


	61. Plotting some more

_**W: **You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility while reading this fic. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens._

_10/4/10_

* * *

**Plotting some more**

"Goodbye, Kakashi-sempai." With no further need of his assistance, the ANBU was taking his leave.

Neji and Tenten weren't quite sure what the deal was between Kakashi and the ANBU, but the farewell seemed a little too emotional for their comfort.

"Would you two like a moment alone?" Tenten whispered into Kakashi's ear, then cringed at the waves of jealous irritation the ANBU emanated in her direction.

"Nope," Kakashi said, unperturbed. "Thanks, Tenzou."

The ANBU shook his head at Kakashi's casual revelation of his name, and vanished.

Kakashi smiled at his two team mates. "It's time for a serious talk."


	62. When a hero comes along

**_D:_**_ As in dedication. This is for yamikinoko._

_I was only ever angling for the sort of reviews that said "lol update soon pls" but yami reviews Every Chapter and Always Makes Sense, often offering insights into these drabbles I never even considered. This is more than I could ever ask for. I... I lo-... I lov-... I loaf around a lot and have many likes and dislikes! Everyone, you could try reading her Flash of Steel! It's just taking off but is shaping up to be a great read._

_10/20/10_

_

* * *

_

**When a hero comes along **

"Ooooiii!"

They came upon a blond ninja, clad very stealthily in bright orange, snagged in one of Kakashi's traps.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Konoha's next Hokage yelled in relief as he swung like a large colorful gumdrop from the tree.

"Naruto?" Kakashi sighed. Whatever training he was undergoing with Jiraiya, it didn't seem to be making the boy any less clumsy.

"I'm glad I caught up with you guys!" He looked expectantly at them. "Guys?"

Tenten echoed Kakashi's sigh and threw a kunai to cut him down. Was this idiot really training with one of the legendary team mates of her idol?

"Heh, thanks Tenten," landing lightly, Naruto scratched his head. "So, what's up?"

"Technically, we've successfully completed the mission," she said, "We found the missing students and returned them to their families. Kabuto was using the school clinic to conduct experiments on the kids. He escaped and the clinic's sealed off now, under surveillance and study by some of Konoha's specialists."

"Oh," Naruto looked disappointed.

"Where's Jiraiya?" Kakashi asked, understanding. He knew Naruto hoped for news of Sasuke wherever Sound was sighted.

"Took a break from our training," Naruto's voice took on a whine, "He's probably just spying on naked women again."


	63. Superv

**Superv**

Jiraiya was _not_ perving.

He was recuperating from the ordeal of suppressing Naruto's release of Kyuubi's chakra. Only four of the nine tails had manifested, but he had almost failed to bring under control the overwhelming power Naruto unleashed. He'd only come so close to death once before.

Naruto obliviously took at face value Jiraiya's instructions to go have some fun while his teacher went on a little side trip for some much needed R&R.

Groaning, Jiraiya shifted into a more comfortable position on the bed. Reaching for a girlie mag, he flipped to the centerfold.

_Now_ he was perving.


	64. So shake your caboose

**D: **_I don't suppose you'll believe me__, but the next few chapters were all written prior to the latest translated Naruto manga. I think Kishimoto is actually telepathically plagiarizing my ideas. Yes. Otherwise the Naruto series is becoming too predictable. _

* * *

**So shake your caboose**

"Hey," Naruto bounced up and down, "Want a rematch, Neji?"

Neji glanced at Kakashi, who shrugged. They had time.

The future Hokage and the Hyuuga clan's prodigy squared off.

"Wait!" Tenten exclaimed. She rummaged through her pack, darted behind some trees, then came out dressed in a new outfit. With pompoms.

"I was picked to be head cheerleader before we left the school," she explained bashfully. "Can I do a cheer just once?"

They all nodded with enthusiasm.

She noticed they were not looking directly at her face. She raised her arms above her head. Not her pompoms, either.

"Guys…"


	65. Droubble 5

_**D:** For Kaze and Kiba. A remarkable quality about K&K's reviews is that they are the only ones capable of evoking both laughter and chills up my spine at the same time. You know, in a Stephen King's _Misery _kind of way. Thanks, K&K. Let me pimp out her fics. Check out her profile. I recommend Cat O'Nine Tails and Sasuke Kills Gonzo._

_10/20/10_

* * *

**Droubble**

After assuaging her that they were simply very impressed with how nice the outfit looked on her, Tenten prepared to do her routine. Unfortunately-

"No way, Tenten. You can't cheer for him. I won the last match. You ought to cheer for the defending champion." Naruto insisted.

"Tenten," and that was all the argument Neji would give.

Kakashi was not easily vexed, but he looked like he had just been deprived of his favorite Icha Icha novel, "Consider this a cheering competition then, Tenten, with me as the judge. Direct all your cheering at _me_."

"Tenten," Neji's voice had taken on a note of warning.

Then they all noticed how quiet the forest had become. In the nick of time, they jumped out of the way of a large serpentine coil that lashed the ground where they had stood.

"I'm surprised the Hyuuga is still standing," Kabuto observed from a tree. Neji stumbled then, and pitched forward into a faint. Tenten caught him as he fell.

"Neji!" blood spread across his shoulder, the old wound reopening. A suffocating chakra pulsed throughout the clearing.

"Cheerleader," Kabuto inclined his head at Tenten in mock-greeting.

"Chuck." Tenten threw an explosive kunai at him.


	66. Crap Action scene

**_D: _**_Enter the quadrabble series of chapters. Sorry for the length. This one's for two reviewers, Jing Mei a.k.a. Lei and Violet Astra. As far as I can tell, Jing Mei supports the KakaNeji/TakeNadia romance, while Violet relishes any romance in any form. Strangely, this is not a romance. Neither is it mystery/adventure but these plot moles keep digging deeper and deeper graves for this poor fic writer. I will try to revert to the original genre of this fic soon (Parody, if I remember correctly)._

_10/20/10_

* * *

**Crap. Action scene.**

"That's the snake summon we encountered at the school." Kakashi told Naruto, nodding at the giant serpent that now wound across the forest floor, "It can create an alternate dimension within itself to serve as a secret chamber, similar to the Toad Mouth Bind technique that Jiraiya used to trap Itachi and Kisame in the esophagus of a fire-breathing toad of Mr. Myoboku."

"Very good, Kakashi," Kabuto said as he landed atop the snake's head, easily evading Tenten's kunai. "May I introduce you to Sawa, in power and magnitude second only to Manda."

"Not for long," Sawa chuckled sibilantly, "Once I drain enough choice chakra from you humans, I will surpass Manda." It eyed Naruto appraisingly, "You seem to be a particularly tasty morsel, boy."

"Oh, be careful with that one," Kabuto said, "He's the human vessel of the nine-tailed fox demon. I doubt his chakra would agree with you."

Sawa hissed dismissively. "Yes. Demon chakra is more difficult to assimilate." And with that, he lunged at them, Kabuto launching himself at Kakashi in the same instant.

"Kage bunshin no Jutsu!" Naruto burst into dozens of clones, half of which were wiped out with a single whiplash of the snake's tail. "Raseng—" he faltered, gripping at his abdomen, "Wha-?"

"Naruto!" Kakashi had his Sharingan open, and saw a strange new configuration on the Kyuubi's seal, "What happened? Did Jiraiya do something to your seal?"

"I don't know!"

In desperation, Jiraiya had placed a chakra disrupting seal similar to Orochimaru's to stave off the demon fox's complete takeover of Naruto's body. He fully intended to remove it later on after he healed, but for now Naruto was back to being unable to harness his chakra properly.

Kabuto laughed, "What a sorry bunch you have on your team Kakashi. You all fit in perfectly with that school you've been playing around in."

"It was hardly play," Kakashi deadpanned, "There was algebra, chemistry, history, biology…"

Kabuto ignored him, "It was an added bonus to my experiment, actually, for you all to voluntarily come to me." He glanced to where Tenten was frantically trying to revive the Hyuuga, "It brought me a most interesting bloodline limit."

"Neji would be of no use to you," Kakashi said, "His curse seal will activate the moment you try to perform any experiment on his body, destroying all organs related to the Byakugan."

Kabuto only smiled.


	67. Sawa, atypical

_****__D: __Hello red lilies. I am glad you think I am an awesome freak. Angelwings228 and Karma Kat 281, it was nice of you both to leave a review._

10/20/10

* * *

**Sawa, the atypical villain who explains all his plans **

Naruto was now bouncing off tree trunks like a pinball as Sawa pursued him. A wave of projectile weapons washed across the entire combat zone as Tenten joined the fray, causing Sawa to retract into a protective coil and redirect his attention to her.

"He won't wake up, Kakashi!" she called, a note of panic in her voice.

"Buy time, Tenten," Kakashi said tersely. He had his hands full with Kabuto.

"That's because I can drain chakra from the air, for as long as I retain a sample of that person's chakra," Sawa followed Tenten's movement as she flitted about from tree to tree, out of reach. "You're like a little bird, trying to escape my fangs." A snake's smile was made up of four teeth, in all.

Tenten glanced at Naruto, eyes communicating a wordless appeal. He nodded and sprang towards Neji, to try to see what he could do.

Sawa looked up at the three little Leaf ninja he had decided to play with, "The humans in that school were all especially chosen by Kabuto even before they began their training to be shinobi," his sibilant voice took on a conversational, almost pleasant tone, as if he weren't waiting for the instant they let down their guard to strike, "Kabuto planted undetectable chakra inhibitors on them early on, so they never became genin. When they came to the school, we were easily able to collect them, and I fed on their most delicious energies."

"That's horrible!" Naruto shouted, angry that Kabuto would stoop so low as to sabotage mere children of their chance to become ninja, and turn them instead into snake snacks.

Tenten set her mouth in a grim line, glad Lee hadn't been assigned to this mssion. He would have personally identified with the plight of those girls. She brought out a Big Scroll.

The ground began to reverberate with explosions as the air flew thick with kunai bombs.

"That's all she can do? Throw weapons?" Kabuto drew Kakashi away from the others. He was merely waiting for Sawa to make his kill, and then the snake would help him dispose of the Copy Nin permanently.

"We can't all be sycophantic followers of Snake Sannins," Kakashi said equably. He noted Kabuto avoided initiating attack, knowing the Sharingan would anticipate it. "Tenten has unique qualities that set her apart from other kunoichi."

"Such as?"

Kakashi smiled enigmatically.


	68. Ultimate sacrifice

**_D: _**_'Tis likely most of you'll not recognize Tenten's spiel in this one, but I will explain later, and openwindow, this one's for you. _

_10/20/10_

* * *

**Ultimate sacrifice **

"Once I ingest that doujutsu user," Sawa emerged completely unscathed, "Kabuto will be able to extract those precious eyes. His total lack of chakra will render the seal inactive. My 'inner sanctum' also creates a barrier that blocks outside interference, cutting off the seal from manual activation even by the main branch of the Hyuuga clan."

With a gigantic puff of smoke he had vanished to evade Tenten's attack and reappeared, a summon that could summon itself. Slithering down the tree where he'd re-materialized, his laughter rasped. "In theory, anyway. Even if it doesn't work, it will be quite enjoyable to try."

On the forest floor, Tenten was panting. She'd evaded the serpent's poison spray, but Naruto had borne the consequences of shielding Neji's body. He lay unconscious near Neji whose blood continued to seep from one shoulder. Sawa's power reversed the treatment by Shizune and the team of Konoha medics, reopening the wound sealed through the use of Neji's hair.

"I won't let you." Tenten defied the snake.

Sawa watched her, waiting for the girl to back up her statement and entertain him.

Bending close to Naruto, Tenten grabbed her last weapon. It was her 184th kunai, a favorite, gifted by her team.

Standing, she held it aloft, steady. Her voice rang out through the clearing.

"_Blade with whom I have lived,_

_Blade with whom I now die,_

_Serve justice one last time._

_Seek one last heart of evil._

_Spare one last life of pain_.

"Cut well, old friend," she said. "And then, farewell."

"Oh, how _noble_," Sawa hissed, weaving its head back and forth in jest, "Now, die."

Another burst of poison, lethal and unavoidable.

In that same instant, Tenten threw the kunai. Coated with the deadly fluid, it shot into Sawa's mouth, piercing its throat. The snake gagged, feeling a sudden invasion of a second, much larger object tearing down its insides.

'Naruto' disappeared into a cloud of smoke, as Neji stood up to catch the weapons master. Using the distraction Tenten provided, Neji had used the Byakugan to analyze and partially unseal Naruto's power. Employing a shadow kunai jutsu, Naruto had followed closely behind the kunai's trajectory to evade both detection and contact with the poison spray.

From within the serpent, Naruto released the jutsu, creating two more clones and, in close confines, letting loose a Rasenshuriken, exploding outwards in a shower of blood and gore.


	69. I Seal Dead People

****

**D: **

_For xsematic-Shrooms, who writes horror, which is only cool if done right. XSS does it right, with an OC no less, in the Kisame fic 'Bloody Mist'. I think I like the fact that the OC dies (my, my, spoiler already) because I always have to fight off the perverse urge to kill off characters as well, when stories drag on too long. Like this one. If Tenten does eventually die, all of you remember, I was inspired by Shrooms. _

10/29/10

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********

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I Seal Dead People

"Hmph," Kabuto had little appreciation for the seamless teamwork executed by the three chunin.

"I see your point Kakashi, the girl is a very useful pawn," chakra scalpels shot towards the Copy Nin in a sudden attack. Despite knowing the odds were no longer in his favor, the right hand man of Orochimaru was unflappable, and moreover, flippant. "I'm surprised you were willing to sacrifice her even so, it's very unlike you Leaf ninja, with your unrealistic desire to save everyone, just like you wanted to save Sasuke-"

He avoided Kakashi's vicious blow, and transformed the movement into a mocking bow. "Well, I suppose this is goodbye for now."

"Do you think I'll let you go that easily?" four pillars of stone shot from the soil, enclosing Kabuto within. Concentrated lightning blasted at the medic nin. His screams echoed, then faded as he slumped to the ground.

Kakashi clenched his fists as he stared at the charred body, Sharingan already processing that he had been taken in by a clever corpse switch at the last moment.

Kabuto was truly heartless, to so casually leave behind a comrade, even if said comrade was an animal summon, to the mercy of his enemies.

Sawa thrashed in its death throes, ichor spewing as it gurgled on its own mortal fluids. Kakashi watched dispassionately, moving only when it looked as though the snake might crush his team mates with its whipping tail.

With an agile leap, he lopped off Sawa's scaly head using raikiri.

He landed near Neji, who was kneeling before the unmoving Tenten. "What happened? It was agreed Tenten would use a clone, stay back and blind Sawa before turning him to shishkabob," he asked brusquely, pushing the boy aside to assess the damage.

"She infused me with some of her chakra before leaving me with Naruto so I could use the Byakugan and figure out how to unseal him," Neji was anguished, "Then she used all her remaining chakra when she grabbed the kunai and Naruto in his shadow kunai form to jump start Naruto's chakra system because it would have taken too long for him to normalize before the enemy's next attack. She had no chakra left to make a clone and shield me from the poison."

Kakashi simply formed the necessary hand seals. "Help me Neji. It's vital I match my chakra output exactly with the severity of her injury. My control is not on the same level as Tsunade's and poison extraction requires the utmost finesse."

Gripping his shoulder, staving the blood flow and using the pain to focus, Neji activated his Byakugan.


	70. Drabble 5

_A/N: There, there. I was only kidding, Shrooms. Tenten, die? Da horror._

_**D: **This one's for Tomas Hydraxus, who is always short and sweet. (Not physically of course. I would never presume to call a Hydraxus' flavor into question. What? Never mind.)_

_10/29/10_

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**Drabble 5**

"That was great!"

Only Naruto could emerge from a dead snake, dripping entrails and blood, and still be full of cheer, "And that speech Tenten gave! Oh man! It was like your Hyuuga Destiny of Hatred Rant, Neji, version two! Double the angst!" He triumphantly held up a comb with a strand of Neji's hair recovered from inside of Sawa, calling, "Hey, Tenten!"

He stopped. Kakashi and Neji were bent over the barely breathing form of the girl. Kabuto was nowhere in sight.

Kakashi hefted Tenten onto his back, after purging what toxins he could from her body.

"Let's go."

* * *

_Sub A/N: Sorry to make Naruto something of an extra dea ex machina, and Kabuto the forever-he who fights and runs away kind of character, but I blame it on the plot that wouldn't quit, plot holes and plagiarism notwithstanding. We revert back to plotlessness in the last few chapters. _


	71. And they may never know

_D: It is hoped that the lack of outright smex does not cause solfire to feel this fic outright smux._

* * *

**And they may never know**

"Is there any particular reason Tenten was dressed as a cheerleader but the rest of you were in shinobi attire while fighting dangerous opponents?" Gai asked ominously. His eyebrows looked twice as bushy and his eyelashes prickled out like individual spikes from his round, coal black eyes.

Naruto and Neji shook their heads vigorously as Kakashi cleared his throat and mildly observed that Tsunade had finally come out of the emergency room.

"It was very difficult, the poison was from a species never encountered before, but we were able to create an antivenom. She's out of danger," she informed them. Naruto and Neji gave each other a high-five, and Kakashi's unusually tense frame relaxed as Gai and Lee burst into tears and hugs all around. Well, just between the two of them really.

"By the way," she said as she stretched to relieve the cramp in her shoulders, "Is there any special reason Tenten was dressed-"

"Will you look at the time, I just remembered I have a pressing appointment-"

"Better go find Ero-sennin now to finish my training!"

"Clan duties."

With the exception of the sobbing Green beast tandem and the blinking Hokage, the waiting room was suddenly empty.


	72. The Talk

_D: __Again, I've abandoned all pretenses of a droubble/drabble here. Bear with me. _

_With this extra lengthy chapter comes an extra florid message for Crimson Siyrean, who thinks she is in love with me. Crimson, this particular chap was intended for you, long before your most recent review, so don't think I was swayed in any manner by your latest passionate declaration, nuh-uh. _

_Something has changed over the course of this fic, though, where previously I would have taken the high road and gently explained that what you feel for this unworthy writer is but a mere passing fancy and that somewhere, out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone else is thinking of you, and loving you tonight, these relentless disclaimers have completely eroded my conscience. _

_(So you see, boys and girls, writing fanfics, or any derivative work for that matter, without proper disclaimers and/or attribution to the original source, is bad. It destroys your morals and eventually you'll descend into a dissolute life of crime. Where was I. Oh yes.) I now have no qualms about toying with your affections and demanding that you Prove Your Love To Me. Finish your fic, Dirty Old Men, and just please get Kakashi and Tenten together already! I refuse to recommend your stories to readers till then (ah, empty threats, your fan base is huge as it is). In any case, it was worth a try._

_11/3/10_

* * *

**The Talk**

Neji was in a foul mood.

After the hole in his shoulder was patched up again, his clan had ordered that he give a thorough account of the mission, and those stodgy old clan elders were now probably studying all the glitches in the curse seal technique and figuring out how to make it even more failsafe, to protect the precious secrets of the Byakugan.

They hadn't bothered to even consider his requests to check on Tenten. Hinata had to intercede on his behalf before they even let him step out of the compound.

He trudged through the corridors of the hospital, the sunflowers in his hand completely at odds with his expression.

"Yo."

The Copy Nin was leaning against the wall, beside the door to Tenten's room. "Tenten's still asleep. Tsunade said she'll suffer some temporary paralysis for the next day or so, but is expected to make a complete recovery."

Kakashi was impressed with the Hyuuga's progress. The first time he'd suffered the injury to his shoulder, Neji had nearly died. This time, he had not only survived, but figured out a high level sealing technique relying on chakra not his own, and assisted Kakashi with the first aid treatment of Tenten's poisoning. Gai's brutal training methods did pay off, after all.

He raised his eyebrow, however, at the scowl Neji leveled at him. If the Byakugan could shoot laser beams, Kakashi would have been ash.

"The mission is over, Kakashi. There is no further reason for you to have any contact with Tenten."

Oh, the boy had gotten possessive. "I wanted to speak with you too, actually. I'm recommending your promotion to Jounin status. What you endured during the mission," a brief twitch of his mask, "And the plan you formulated to get around Sawa's power over your chakra, together with the way you partially unsealed Naruto's other chakra, was commendable. Given your past mission performances, all equally exemplary, I think you deserve the rank."

"I sacrificed Tenten in the process" Neji was bitter, "She was the only one I could trust to throw the kunai with perfect accuracy. I assumed she would use a clone. She didn't bother telling me she had no chakra left after unsealing Naruto and helping me, and I was too weak to notice."

"Tenten did what she had to," Kakashi said. "You owe her a lot. From what I've seen, she's in complete sync with you. You can trust her implicitly."

"I do," Neji agreed. His shoulders drooped, "She's in sync with you too, Kakashi. You told her to buy time, and she did. That's why you passed over promoting her, isn't it?" He glared at Kakashi, again with the laser beam eyes, "Tenten is the stabilizing factor in any team she's in, she listens, and watches, and makes up for the lack in her team mates. People like Tenten, they're the first to die, sacrificing themselves for the mission."

Kakashi held up his hands, "I didn't say that. She's just not ready. Don't worry about her career Neji. When she does get promoted, it will be a rapid ascent, I assure you. With her though, nothing can replace hard-earned experience. There's no hurry."

They appraised each other.

"Well, if that's all," Neji didn't sound grateful, "Thank you."

Kakashi grinned. Time to test the waters. "Did Tenten ever mention our agreement that if she wasn't married by the time she was thirty, we'd settle down together?" It wasn't exactly what they'd discussed, but Kakashi felt it was a reasonable assumption.

Neji's shot back, smugly, "You're much too old for her."

Ah, kids. Kakashi nodded slowly, "You could be right. But you see, a thirty year old woman marrying a forty something year old man," he was vague about the exact number, "doesn't sound so scandalous as a fifteen year old dating a guy with the same age gap."

"Kakashi," the Hyuuga's voice was deliberate, "you are a perverted, perpetually late, emotionally repressed _senior_ person who has nothing to offer her."

Kakashi was finally insulted. _Senior_? "How's that curse seal feeling?" he asked.

Neji's eyebrow twitched.

"You see, Neji," Kakashi crossed his arms, resuming his position of leaning against the wall, "We're both people with nothing to offer. Sure, you're a prodigy, and I'm me," he wasn't egoistic, he was just hip and cool, as Gai always acknowledged, "But when it comes to women, our respective backgrounds curtail our chances for a happy match, aside from the passing affair."

Neji waited to see where this was going.

"I think we both agree that Tenten doesn't deserve to be ignored and pushed away just because of that," Kakashi closed his eye. He was making it up as he went along, but it was starting to make sense to him, "And things can always change. With your clan's curse seal tradition. With my… personal issues." He angled a glance at Neji, "With those obstacles gone, there's a chance at a happily ever after in this story. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I understand," Neji nodded. "Do you understand that I am not willing to share her?"

Kakashi chuckled. "Neither am I. So, may the best man win, eh?

* * *

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Follow up note to Crimson:

_By the way, what kind of fury would you hath if I scorned you? Y'know, in case you do eventually finish DOM and, well, demand some form of valid recompense from me upon proving your amore? Not that I'm _planning _to scorn you, of course not, I mean, you know, hypothetically. How about, how about we just be friends? How's that sound? You're not the violent sort right? (I must be the only writer who is this affected by strangely disturbing reviews.) Ack, Crimson, I wasn't talking about- close your eyes! Forget what you just read! Don't kill me! I love you too! Ack! There are other loyal (each equally disturbing in their own special way) reviewers and readers! I love all of you as well! Wait, that would make me a pedophile in some cases- you know what, I think this is what's called an author meltdown. I'm going to go lie down now. _

_I blame the overlong chapter. _

_Edit 11/5/10: Erch, I now know how it feels to be needled to update on my stories, as DarkAnonymous324 has taken the role of karma to deal me some humble pie. Do take your time Siyrean, good stories are entitled to percolate for a bit. ;-)_


	73. Promises fulfilled

**_D: _**_Final chapter. For CatEye2050. The original diversifier of Tenten's love pool. Kowtowing commence._

* * *

**Promises fulfilled**

Tenten shifted and sighed, waking up for the fourth time that day and hoping that this time, there wouldn't be a nurse hovering nearby to drug her back into oblivion. She was fine, dammit.

There was something hovering above her all right, just not a nurse. It kind of looked like her glove. Except that it was too large to be hers.

The glove dangled a bit in front of her, then dropped onto her lap. Groggily, Tenten raised her eyes again and saw this time, a jounin vest hanging before her face. It then dropped down, joining the glove.

Who was piling clothes on top of her blanket? Frowning, Tenten blinked away the last traces of sleep and craned her neck. The residual paralysis from the poison made it very difficult, but she was able to see the source of the clothing.

Kakashi was pulling off his black shirt, having removed his mask.

"What are you doing?"

"He promised to strip after the mission. Don't you remember?" a cool washcloth was placed on her overheated forehead and Tenten darted her eyes to her team mate gratefully.

"Thanks, Neji. I thought it was some hallucinatory side effect of the poison," she croaked. Neji raised her head and helped her sip some water from a cup.

"Kakashi," she called weakly as he draped his belt over a chair. "Not now please."

"'Tenten," Kakashi looked hurt, "I thought you were looking forward to this. I even prepared choreography." He switched on a music player on top of the chair, and a saxophone began to play. He raised a foot onto the bed frame and began to unwind his leg bandages. In a sexy way. If that was even possible.

"Neji, make him stop."

"I'm not touching him."

"Neji," Kakashi said, "Ask her why she wants me to stop."

"Isn't that obvious? She wants you to stop because—" Neji glanced down at Tenten, "Why do you want him to stop?"

"I can't move Neji! I need pictures! Evidence! No one would believe me if I told them Kakashi, or even you, ever stripped in front of me!" Tenten whined.

Neji considered this.

Then he peeled off his shirt, and began to _undulate_ in time with the music.

Tenten's screams for assistance and, if possible, a professional camera crew, were completely blanked out by the silencing jutsu they had cast on the room.

* * *

_T__he End._

_A/N: And there you have it. Hope you enjoyed! _


	74. In case you were wondering

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**In case you were wondering**

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Yes, it's over.

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References cited:

Chapter 8, _Droubble 2_

1. Avatar: The Last Airbender - "Zuko here."

2. Takeshi's Castle, an Japanese game show where contestants had to cross various obstacle courses (my favorite one was where a large mascot chases you around with some kind of foam weapon) to finally reach - you guessed it - Master Takeshi.

3. Blood the Last Vampire - _Chiroptera_: "You're from Japan right? Konichiwa." _Saka_: "Leave me alone."

4. Mirrormask - _Valentine_: "I'm a very important person, I own a tower" and,

5. Ranma - where Akane is betrothed to this boy who turns into a girl. Just like Takeshi and Nadia. Sort of.

Chapter 68, _Ultimate Sacrifice_:

Anyone else ever watch the first ever self-insert cartoon, _Flight of Dragons_? You know how self-insert plots go, guy loves this make believe world, gets sucked into said world, stars in his own story within the make believe world? What? His name's NOT Mary Sue? And it's an actual film? Yep. Tenten's spiel is from that movie- Sir Oren Neville Smyth's speech before slaying Bryagh, the baddest dragon with nicest eyeshadow.

Chapter 72, _The Talk_

My dedication to CS contained a few lyrics from Fievel's song in _An American Tail_.

What else? If you were offended by the terrible puns pertaining to starlings and mimes, I apologize, but it had to be done. Mind voles, you know. Burrowing, digging relentlessly into one's brain till there's nothing left but to type it out. Awful things really. I'm just glad they weren't consonants.

* * *

_Random ramblings:_

I thought the droubble/drabble/quadrabble constraint was a good writing exercise. It forces one to pare down the story to the bare essentials, encourages brevity and hones precision in word choice. It is also a good way to go insane. Do not try this at home. You will be clicking on the word count function on your computer till the end of time. Before this got away from me, I originally wanted each chapter to read like a weekly comic strip, even setting Lee-ish goals - If I do not keep this chap within 100 words, I shall do 500 push ups! If I cannot complete 500 push-ups, I shall stand on my head for an hour! If I do not stand on my head for an hour, I shall eat ice cream! Yay! Ice cream! (Has gained a lot of weight since then)

Actually, according to the TV Tropes and Idioms webpage, the very nature of ffnet makes disclaimers on this site unnecessary. That's why it's called fanfiction. I like disclaimers though. In fact, if you tell me which disclaimer you liked best, and why, I will do nothing. Nothing whatsoever. But know that I will appreciate the feedback.

To those who have already reviewed, thank you so much. All these witty, funny, smart (alecky) people decided to converge and follow this story, and it completely bowled me over. To those who have not reviewed, thanks for reading in any case. I assume you had nothing nice to say, and politely kept quiet to spare my fragile ego.

LuxaLupinTKKashi, TallerThanThou Shorterthanthou, I didna forget you! I just ran out of chapters.

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But here's a scene I could not fit anywhere in SME:

* * *

_"OMG. LOL. ROFL. BRB," with that, Kakashi vanished from the dorm room._

_"Was that... some sort of ANBU codespeak?" Tenten asked. _

_"You pay him too much attention," Neji sighed. And flipped through another page of Icha Icha Paradise. He was beginning to understand why Kakashi deserved the title of porn king. _

_

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_

THE END. Really.

* * *

Or is it?

The next chapter is just a little something that's up-to-date with the latest translated manga. I wasn't going to write it, but I'm just so happy canon Naruto is back on track on being awesome, everything's tying together, and it's going to be super duper epic, unlike this failed high school fic (now let's be honest, as a high school fic, it truly is not what most high school fics set out to be. Ergo, fail. As a sucky, sucky mission though, I do believe it fits the bill nicely. I love setting really low standards for myself.)

Anyway. Bonus chapter up next. For those of you who don't follow the manga, and don't want to be spoiled, Do Not Read. You have been warned.

_Fufufufufu..._

But you wanna. You know you wanna.


	75. Bonus chapter

_****__Warning: __Spoilers up to manga Chapter 515__._

_**D: **is for dorky, that's good enough for me. Oh, dorky dorky dorky starts with **:D**_

11/10/10

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**War! What is it good for? **

(Absolutely nothing. Say it again, y'all)

- _Edwin Starr, War_

* * *

~A few years later ~

Carnage.

The unholy war between Madara Uchiha's resurrected army against the united forces of the hidden ninja villages splashed blood and destruction across the countryside, exacting its toll of pain and death, ripping apart lives and wiping out dreams of a better future. Those who survived fought on, for peace and for freedom from the yoke of slavery the oldest Uchiha sought to impose upon the world.

In a distant cave, which served as the headquarters from where Madara and Kabuto controlled their troops, the mastermind of the Moon Eye Plan eyed the crumpled figure of the woman before him, bound in snake coils by his for-now ally, Kabuto. "What is this?"

"A Konoha shinobi. She's nothing special by herself, but I have seen her work extensively with Hatake Kakashi, and I believe she may have some valuable information about him and Konoha, particularly the Hyuuga clan, that we may use," Kabuto tugged Tenten forward ungently, pulling her chin upwards, "Face Madara like a good girl now."

"This had better be worth my while," Madara growled, deeming the Human Path technique too chakra-consuming to waste on the girl. The Sharingan would suffice.

Drawing on all of her sensei's teachings on countering the legendary doujutsu, Tenten focused her mind on a single, unshakeable memory, and concentrated.

"AGH!" like the Kakashi-Neji stripshow, Tenten would never be able to convince anyone of this fact later on, due to lack of credible witnesses, but Uchiha Madara screamed like a little girl. "My eye! Horrible…gyrating… naked… male…." His wild grab to teleport Tenten went amiss as she ducked out of the way, engulfing Kabuto instead and sucking the medic-nin into another dimension. "Activate Rinne-"

The weapons master neatly poked out his other eye with a senbon. Madara stiffened, then toppled over. A number of Tenten's senbon were now tipped with Sawa's paralyzing venom.

Throughout the battlefield, corpses crumbled to dust, and Zetsus milled about in aimless distraction, the two persons controlling them having lost all power. The allied shinobi forces had won.

Bending solicitously over the twitching figure of the most evil of the Uchiha, Tenten carefully pricked each of his fingers with poison-tipped senbon, ensuring he could form no seals and move no further.

"There, there," she said. "It couldn't have turned out any other way, you know."

She patted his head benignly.

"It's just not right for plants and zombies to work together."

_

* * *

_

_Fin._


End file.
